Darling (close your eyes)

don't think (part 1)

AN: Sorry for not updating in so long! I had no motivation, but now that LY: Answer is out, and Yungblud produced more music, I really feel like I have a spark again. Also, this is a longer one, sorry!

*TRIGGER WARNINGS: description of attempted suicide, (non violent) reference to self harm and drug abuse, swearing.

________________________________________________________________________________

Maybe, thought Jimin, it was always supposed to be like this. Everything comes to a close eventually. Books and good cups of tea, sunsets and sun, the petals of a rose; it all ends, and they die with grace. They accept it. But staring at the medicine cabinet, at the rows of bottles, Jimin can't do it. Such a coward, (a coward, who was he to live when-) a disgrace. He lifts his head to stare into the mirror (ugly) and tries to love what he sees. Jimin realizes that he is a hypocrite. They tell their fans to love themselves, they try to spread their love seven times over. maybe, he thinks, maybe they can see through his mask, a facade built of crumbling bricks. maybe they can see his lies. he doesn't love himself. he wants to go home, back to his mother. he wants to be done. (done, gone, done, gone, dead)

he starts wearing oversized clothing. he stops when fans tell him he looks fatfatfat, ugly, lumpy.

he goes back to his normal attire.

he uses those razors kept next to pain relievers.

back to long sleeves he goes.

Jimin notices the members concerned looks, the whispers. He knows they love him. But for the first time, since debut, even the knowledge that he is loved can't comfort him. That's the worst part of it all. That he's drowning in love. He's drowning in the expectations and hopes and dreams and love that everyone seems to feel but him. He's drowning and there are hands every where, waiting to pick him up and he can't. He can't even lift his arms he's so weighed down, can't even reach up to grab Namjoon's, Jin's, Taehyung's waiting arm and it's coming, it's coming, it's coming, the darkness is coming, drowning, engulfing him and he's just so done.

He's just so tired.

So very tired.

He wants to go home.

After their final dance practice of the week, it's easy to enjoy the rest of Bangtan's company. Tomorrow is their day off, they've finished their work for the day, and he allows himself a shred of hope that things can get better. Lately, the infectious hope for their comeback serves as motivation to push themselves, to work as hard as they can, and Jimin finds that after a long day of dance and recording, cups of tea, good dramas, Seokjin and Jungkook's play fighting, Namjoon's lanky figure running after Taehyung and his latest idea, Hoseok's comforting hugs and Yoongi's ever rare smiles, they all help when the tide comes in and threatens to wash him away. So yes, he has a semblance of hope for the future. And when he can't sleep, when the blankets are too itchy, when the pillows are too hard, he knows that creeping out of his room, duvet wrapped around his shoulders, will usually lead him to the couch where draped in soft moonlight, Namjoon's usually tall body seems much smaller as he reads his latest book, a cup of tea long since gone cold.

"...hyung, you should go to bed." he whispers, soft voice reverberating in the silence of the dorms.

Namjoon laughs quietly. "Says you," he says, looking Jimin's blanket-and-pajama clad figure up and down. Jimin blushes.

"Hyung...can I sit?"

"Of course."

But all too soon, it's back. The night, so comforting before, all soft shadows and warmth, now is menacing. cold figures emerging where the moonlight doesn't reach, and the cold air now burns his nose. He begins again to see the futility of it all. And he's fatigued, he's cold, he aches and he's tired, tired of being useless, why can't he just be happy, love life, love his family, friends, fans, but he just can't because its useless to imagine good things when life is so full of hatred, sadness, bad things, what was the point, what was the point. He was a a reef, battered over and over again by the ocean. The tide goes out, but it always comes back, and a reef is always submerged. It goes on like this, over and over and over and over until he

finds himself at the

edge of the pier

looking out over

the ocean.

Jimin reflects that this will break everyone's heart.

The sun is setting, soft oranges and reds, then a soft purple, until the first stars come out.

They're probably wondering where he is.

The ocean is smooth. The air is warm. He tells himself that it will be easy and painless. Look at how inviting the water is! He takes off his shoes and puts his feet in the water. It's warm, the water feels soft.

Without thinking, he stands up and lets himself fall.

He sinks until he hits the bottom, and then he opens his eyes. The stars, distorted by the soft waves, are beautiful, small crystals in a purple blanket of night. It's hard to think now, there's nothing to breathe, but the simple beauty of the world through the water stuns him. The waves are not so gentle anymore, they're pushing his limp body around on the sea bed, and he can't think, he wants to get out, regrets his choice, but not enough to swim up

up

up to the surface

It's dark.

He's tired.

He wants to go home.