Darling (close your eyes)

don't think (part 2)

I've been on the low

I been taking my time

I feel like I'm out of my mind

It feel like my life ain't mine

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When he opens his eyes, the stars are still there, but the sky is much darker. His head aches, like a hangover, and he groans. Someone inhales quickly. The noise startles him, and with great effort, he lifts his head, and looks at the person. It's Namjoon, who is breathing heavily, clothes absolutely drenched, teeth chattering. Jimin lifts himself into a sitting position, scattering sand with his movements.

Sand. Where is he?

Namjoon speaks. He picks his words with great deliberation.

"I thought you were dead."

And suddenly it hits him, what happened, what he'd done. A swell of rage hits him, and he spits out "Namjoon...why didn't you just let me die, god dammit, why couldn't you have just let me die." He stares at the other, who is looking at Jimin like he's hit him. And suddenly Namjoon, his hyung, his older brother, is crying. Namjoon who he has only see cry 3 other times, who would rather lock himself in his room then show weakness, who thinks he has to be brave all the damn time, is crying. Jimin stares at him.

"Jimin I pulled you out of the ocean, I thought you were dead, I thought you were dead and I wanted to die too, you fucking idiot, I wanted to die too because we are nothing without you and you thought it was ok to do this? To do this?"

"I thought..."

"What? What did you think Chimmy? Did you think we wouldn't miss you? When you'd been missing all afternoon, did you think we wouldn't notice? Think I wouldn't notice? I dragged you onto the beach and did CPR and you weren't breathing Jesus Jimin-"

And now he's being suffocated because Namjoon is hugging him so tightly and the older is crying into his shoulder, and something breaks because now Jimin doesn't want to die, not if it means hearing that raw agony in his hyung's voice, not now, not ever again.

As the morning climbs from behind the ocean's icy depths, Jimin doesn't feel quite as numb.

I want you to be alive

You don't gotta die today

You don't gotta die

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6 months later, things continue in much the same way. Hoseok still smiles as bright as the sun every day, even if sometimes they're fake, which makes Jimin wish he would allow himself to be sad once in awhile. Taehyung still incites Jimin into mischief, conveniently absent when Jin brings out his kitchen flipper. (Bangtan calls it his beating spoon for a reason.) Jungkook constantly exercises unreasonably, but can switch back into the child they raised in a second. Yoongi is still intimidating, until you walk in on him and Hoseok yelling song lyrics at each other. And Namjoon...

...he never told the members. All they knew was that Jimin was gone for a day, and then came back, with Namjoon in tow. Jimin is thankful for this. With the Western attention they're beginning to receive, all members are tired and stressed, and knowing what Jimin had so nearly accomplished would have been helpful for no one. But he knows that Namjoon worries, and the quiet affection, so different from Taehyung's brash hugs, Jin's fussing, Jungkook's bratty endearment, Hoseok's persuasive love, Yoongi's subtle tenderness; all of it more obtrusive than the soft hugs, the brief notes that were slipped under his door, "you look nice today," "have a good day Jimin-ah," the way his hyung brings him cups of tea at 3am.

sometimes Jimin wonders if he's worth this absolute love that Namjoon blows his way, as light as the wind. It circles him, and raises him up until he swears he can touch the stars, and when he looks down at the swirling, tempestuous sea below him, he knows that Namjoon will reach his arm down, grab his, and haul him back into the light and love of Bangtan.

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I finally wanna be alive

I don't wanna die

I don't wanna die.