Toxic ✔️

34 | square one

chapter thirty-four: square one

I set the plate of food down beside Kellan's bed. It's his third day in there. I don't know why he needs so much space. I mean, his sister came back to life. Shouldn't he be happy about that?

I tap on the sheets twice. "Eat your food. It's pizza," I say, turning back around to leave when Kellan calls my name. I turn back to him with a fake smile plastered on my face. I'm trying to relax, but every time I look at him, the words he said to me yesterday keeps replaying in my head. "Yeah?"

"Are we not going to talk?" He asks.

I take a deep breath. "I'd rather not."

Kellan grabs my wrist and sits up as well. "Listen, I just wanted to say that I'm..." he starts, pausing. I think he mumbles the word sorry under his breath. I look at him in confusion. "I'm sorry," he says a little louder, clearing his throat.

I smile. "It's fine, really—"

"Jesus, Astrid. Listen to me," he says. "It's about us."

I pause, blinking. My heart skips a beat, and when it comes back it comes back faster than it was before. I keep the smile up, refusing to believe my ears, even though I don't know why. "What about us?"

Kellan's eyes are red, and I've never seen him look as tired as he does today. He runs a hand through his already messy hair and rubs his face, before sighing.

"Astrid, I—" He looks at me, swallowing hard. "I wouldn't do this if it wasn't the best thing for us. I just—God, this if fucking harder than I thought it would be."

I'm scared of what he might say.

Kellan grabs my hand and presses my fingers to his lips, before cupping my face with his hand. "Sweetheart, I am so—so damn in love with you it's crazy. I really—am so stupidly in love with you and I don't even—"

My lips are pressed against his in a second. Kellan doesn't hesitate in kissing me back, the pizza now forgotten. Kellan's breath is minty. He's brushed his teeth. He's getting better.

His clothes have changed. It's something I only realise as I grasp at his shirt.

I push that thought away for a second, focusing on everything and anything with him in it. His hands on my body. His hands in my hair. His hands everywhere.

Please, please don't say what you were going to say.

We fall back onto the bed, his kisses sending me into overdrive. On my face, my lips, my neck and down. His touch on me is gentle, almost feather-like. He's holding me like I might break on him and I don't want to know the reason why.

"Astrid," he whispers my name, and the way he says it is something I want to remember forever. I want to feel this forever. His lips on me. Hands on me. Him with me.

I don't know when I pulled his shirt off. We're a tangle of legs and clothes, where each of us start and end unknown.

He pulls away.

Looks at me, for a split second, with panic in his eyes.

"Astrid, I think we should break up."

I don't know if I'm hearing him right, or if my heart is breaking, because I can't really feel right now. Strange. Keeping my voice steady, I nod slowly. Voice fragile. "Why?"

It's the only thing I can bring myself to say when I knew what was coming the whole time.

He swallows, pulling back his shirt. "I think we would be better off as friends," he says again with difficulty, not meeting my eyes. My smile drops, even though I know I have to accept it. There's something about this which feels so casual for him, and I can't tell if it's easy for him when it's difficult for me.