BEYONCÉ GISELLE KNOWLES
3:34pm
Two weeks.. two weeks that I spent apologizing to every women I've hurt, two weeks that I spent torturing myself, two weeks that made me remember everything. How was I feeling ? Lost, depressed, down. I didn't even imagine that one day I would be in this situation, but I guess I deserved it.
Those girls.. Now grown ass women.. The hurt on their faces.. the anger on their voice.. The bitterness in their looks.. Everything that made me realize how crazy and heartless I was..
Every nights of the two past weeks have been hell for me. I had nightmares, I have been slapped, cussed.. It started having effects on me, I started to become crazy, I've lost weight, I became aggressive with everyone, I've cut contact with my family, hell I've almost drowned my Blue while giving her a bath.
I was day dreaming, and held her head in the bath for longer than I imagined and she was scared pf me after that. She didn't want to do anything with me, but obviously calmed after four days. Shawn was furious when I told him that.
He didn't understand anything, he wasn't supportive because for him, I didn't tell him the truth about my past. He didn't believe me when I said I didn't remember, he said brushing the past away isn't changing. He told me he didn't know me, and that he fell in love with the shell I've built when I got famous.
I told Solange to take the kids longer, that I couldn't take care of them now. She happily accepted and called me from now to then but I declined the calls. The only reason that I went to hers was to see my children, nothing less nothing more.
My mom and Ms Carol got closer and were inseparable. When I told her everything, she said she had to think about it, she didn't understand why I would follow my dad's ideas, she thought I loved him more than her.
So, I was left all by myself, with my practically impossible goal.
Loneliness started to eat my soul slowly but surely. I was becoming numb.. Hell I already was numb. I've never felt something like that, but somehow was feeling like it wasn't the first time, as if I already was used to this numbness and loneliness.
Afraid of becoming the monster I was before, I was much closer to God than ever. I prayed, nights and days, I prayed for a better life, I begged for forgiveness, I prayed for me, for my children, and all the girls I've hurt in my life.
I've even prayed for my father.
I was now standing in front of his gravel, with so much rage and hurt in my look. How could he bring his daughter in his craziness ? How could he persuade me to follow him ? How could I agree ?
I was a Daddy's girl, no need to hide it. But from the moment he tried to hurt my mom, to the moment he tried to put fire on the house, I should have cut any contacts with him. But I was so blinded by my love for him, I was so blinded by the image of the perfect family.
Ugh, stupid me. He told me if I followed him, our family will be back to the normal, he told me if I brung him little girls, with curves, so he could have his way with them.
" How could you.. " I said, tears rolling down on my face. " I feel like a shit now. You manipulated me, made me do things I would never do normally. But you used my vulnerability as an advantage to bring me with you, you used it and made me become a monster. But now I pray, I pray for you, I pray every single day, for me, too. You needed God, as much as I needed him. I hope he is forgiving with you as much as I am. No, I know he is. " I sighed. " I forgive you, Dad. I forgive your craziness, I forgive the evil you did in your past, I truly do. And as long as I am living, I will pray for you. You must be asking yourself why." I chuckled. " Because I love you. I can't hate you, I can't. You're my dad, my blood. They say blood is thicker than water, and it's totally true. Everything was fine until you stopped taking your prescriptions, but I don't blame you for that, I know how hard it is to be called crazy." I sat on his grave. " I love you forever, I will pray for you until I die." I bowed and kissed his grave.
