//YOUNGBLOOD//lrh

BETTER MAN

"Darling all of my wrongs, they lead me right to you." | "I swear I'd die for your love."

I run my fingers along my hardwood flooring. The sound of breathy tears was becoming to much for us to deal with. "Why would you make me believe-" It hurts to watch yourself fall apart, but you know you're in way too deep for your own good when you can't complete a sentence without losing your voice. "Why would you make me believe it, if. That's fucked up. That's so so so so fu-"

"I didn't make you believe shit, Luke. I panicked. I panicked and I didn't want to admit to the fact that I couldn't leave the fucking front door so I said I did some awful shit that I didn't do. I wanted you to be hurt, but I didn't make you believe it, you believed it yourself."

"You're right, Bec. You're a saint. I'm sorry, beautiful." I state sarcastically while finally finding balance to stand up. She stands up to meet me soon after. "I'm not saying what I did was right. It was wrong I know, but you keeping your mind open will help this. I swear, Luke. I-"

"Please leave. I can't do this anymore." I break down again, however that seems to be my regular demeanour lately. "I can't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I just- I can't."

She begins to walk out the door to leave me alone in my empty house. I walk up to my kitchen counter, covering my face with my hands. "I'm sorry, Rebecca. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry." The muffles still audible from where she stood. She nodded slightly, a single tear dripping from under her jawline.

"I know."

After standing at the counter with my head in my hands for at least 15 minutes, I grab my phone to click on Ashton's contact. As the dial tone rings in my ear, I try and piece together what I was gonna say so I seemed just slightly put together. The farthest thing that I could be. "Yeah, mate?"

"Ash, do you think I can stay at your place for a bit? I just need to order a new bed and once it comes I'll be fin-"

"She took your bed?"

Silence filled the room once I realized how fucking sad and ridiculous my life is at this point in time. "I mean, yeah."

"Luke." Ashton sighs before continuing. "I want to say no. I want to say I told you so. I won't. But I want to."

--

Michael and Calum were both at Ashton's place once I got there. We were discussing what we had to get done before tour starts. "So Luke." Calum brings my eyes up so that I'm not staring at the floor. "Yeah?"

"You gonna be okay? Like, first tour without Bec and everything."

"Uhm." Michael seemed to bud in almost immediately. "Let's leave Luke's love life and his work life two separate things."

I fiddle with my fingers before responding. "I feel like it's gonna be good for my head."

That's what I thought. But fast forward 4 hours later, I'm pacing Ashton's living room forgetting how breathe. She's gone. She took her stuff, all the stuff, and she left. While it was going on, all I wanted was for it to end and now I'm missing wishing it was over. I hate knowing it is. I'm not even crying but water is spilling from my eyes, I feel like I'm not breathing but clearly I am, I'm pacing a room but I can't feel my legs and my mind is racing but my head is numb.

Guilt floods over my body making it impossible to pull myself together. Ashton walks out of his bedroom, hair sticking up and eyes squinted due to the change in lighting and tiredness. "What's wrong, man?"

"I can't, Ash. I can't. I used to fuck up and fix it right away because all I had to do was think about what she deserved, and I became that better guy for her. I don't know how to be better without her, Ash. There is no fucking purpose to be better without her."

"Luke, I think you need to breathe." Ashton tries to calm me down, starting to get panicky himself seeing me go through an emotional breakdown.

"I don't know life without her." I continue, trying to catch breaths between my choked sobs. "I don't want to know life without her. I want my girlfriend back, Ashton. I need her to fall in love with me again." I'm pleading at this point. I just need to be okay, and I've come to terms with the fact that I need to be okay with her.

"Mate, that isn't the problem. You lost something along the way but it's not love. If love is what you lost you wouldn't have a breakdown about the fact that she might not come back. If love is what you lost she wouldn't have stayed after all you put her through. Luke, she is so fucking in love with you. She did what she did to make you feel the pain you made her feel-"

"She didn't." I shake my head slightly to avoid more dizziness in my head. "She never left, Ash. There was never other guys. She was angry and she panicked so she told me she did but she didn't. I'm the only one who fucked up, Ash. I'm the only cheater and I- she doesn't deserve me-"

"Woah woah. Luke that was, such a different, oh my god. Such a different situation-"

"But it happened. And I don't know how to be something she'll miss, or something she needs. I need her to fall in love with me again, and not see me as this monster. I need her to make everything right again."