I remember the moment I first saw you. I had just made it past the auditions and joined the company. It was my first day at training and I was nervous and shy. People stared at me, whispering to one another, seemingly gossiping about me. It was an intimidating experience. I was sitting in the corner of the room, hiding behind the hood of my hoodie, listening to sad songs as I fought to hold back tears. It was then that you suddenly appeared in front of me. My head was down, looking at the floor, ignoring your attempts to say hello, but yet you persisted. You lay down on the floor, sliding your head to a position where it was right under mine, attempting to grab my attention. The introverted and shy me couldn't help but smile. Your radiant beauty became apparent instantly and your contagious smile shone brighter than any other sun in the universe. I was, dare I say it, experiencing love at first sight.
"Oh, so you do smile. Haha. Don't be shy, I won't bite." You were still laying on the floor, seemingly a little uncomfortable. Feeling guilty, I got up, whispered a greeting and apologised about my shyness . "Heejin. What a beautiful name, so befitting of that gorgeous face of yours. I don't think I gave you my name yet. I'm Jinsoul." I started blushing, a little uncontrollably if I may add. I played it cool however and just thanked her in reply. From that moment on, I did everything with you; training, resting, dieting, eating, crying, laughing. We were together through thick and thin and I always felt lucky that you were the one by my side through it all.
Not long after I had begun training, I debuted as the first member of Loona. You seemed genuinely happy for me although I knew inside you were disappointed that you weren't picked first and had to keep fighting for your spot in the group. I always cheered you on and of course, with how talented and amazing you are, you made it too. It's funny that despite our age gap, we're still able to see each other as equals and I'm so grateful to you for it. You broke me out of my shy shell and like caterpillar, I was eventually able to transform into an elegant butterfly, with wings capable of carrying itself.
From the beginning, I always had strong feelings for you. I'm not just talking about friendship, loyalty, blah blah blah. I'm talking about wanting you as a lover and wanting to touch you in ways deemed inappropriate. But of course I would never reveal that to you. I was scared to see how you'd react, scared that you'd distance yourself from me, casting me out of your life. That and also the fact we're in a korean idol group. Imagine a pre-debut scandal ruining the whole thing for us. No way I'm letting that happen. So for now, I'll lock these feelings away, and you'll probably never see this but I want you to know I love you.
I shut my diary shut after finishing writing another entry. It was 2am and all my members had gone to bed already. I couldn't fall asleep, nervous about our soon-to-come debut so I ended up listening to sad music and feeling all sentimental and cheesy. I looked at the page I had just written and almost gagged out my dinner. Imagine if the other members saw it. I wasn't taking a chance. I ripped out the page, crumpled it and tossed it away. This wasn't the first occurrence of this, with marks of several other torn out pages scattered throughout the book. They kind of acted as reminders to keep myself in check and hide the true me or face the music, whatever it may be. I put my book back into the corner of the table where I retrieved it and got up from the chair, as gently as possible so as to not wake anyone up, and crept back to my bed. I lay there for a while, trying to not think about anything, keeping my eyes tightly shut, and before long, I was asleep.
