I'm Not Crazy [ narry ]

letters 31-35

[ if anyone watched season 2 of american horror story (asylum), you'll realize a lot of the methods used in this book by dr. payne are based around the ones used in the show. ]

❝ Date: August 15, 1929

Dearest Niall,

I'm really mad at myself.

Like, really really mad at myself.

Infuriated with myself.

I'm letting this place take control over me. I've been miserable, guilty, upset, and stuck in my own mind. I came here to prove a point, to prove that I'm not insane. I guess I've been failing at that.

Blake told me I don't eat much anymore. I guess that's true. I'm just not that hungry anymore.

I keep feeling like you're so mad at me. God, you don't even know what I did! You didn't see me kiss Louis. You didn't see me punch him in the face.

He walked around with a bruise on his cheek and I walked around with a broken heart.

I don't think you'll ever forgive me. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself. I was mad at Louis for a couple of days. I still might be, but it's not entirely his fault.

It's my fault for being in here.

It's my fault that people think I'm crazy.

And it will be my fault when you say that you hate me and never want to kiss me again.

I'm not crazy.

- Harry. ❞

❝ Date: August 17, 1929

Dearest Niall,

Dr. Payne brought in a girl today. He told me to touch her and to touch myself while I did it. I heard this was his way of trying to treat my homosexuality.

Well, it didn't work. I didn't even get to touch her before I started to scream at Dr. Payne, telling him he was stupid to think I'd actually do this.

I've said this before, but Dr. Payne doesn't like to be called "stupid."

The scary thing is that I had no control over myself when I yelled at him. Something came over me, and something triggered in my mind and I just screamed at him. It didn't even click in my brain that I yelled at him until he yelled back.

"You've really lost it, haven't you?!"

Those were his words.

I don't know, Niall. Have I really lost it? Am I actually going crazy?

I know one thing. I lost you. You'll never talk to me again, you'll never even be able to look at me again.

I don't know what I look like anymore. I'm probably pale and skinny, with bags under my eyes. I haven't brushed my hair in ages. I probably look like a complete mess.

In all honesty, that's what I am. A complete mess.

I'm not crazy.

- Harry. ❞

❝ Date: August 24, 1929

 Dearest Niall,

Zayn came up to me yesterday and slapped me across the face. He told me to stop destroying myself. He told me that I was stronger than this.

Am I? Was I even strong to begin with?

I think I was. It's hard to remember, though. I came here about 6 months ago and I can barely remember the beginning of it. It seems so long ago.

Louis has kept his distance from me. In fact, I haven't seen him in a week. Zayn said he's really upset about what happened and he keeps on apologizing over and over.

I just gave a snarky laugh.

It didn't matter if he was sorry. It didn't change the fact that I cheated on you.

Maybe I should stop being so hung up about this. It was just a kiss. It's not like he forced me to have sex with him or anything. All he did was kiss me.

I don't even know anymore. I don't want to know anymore.

I'm not crazy.

- Harry. ❞

❝ Date: September 4, 1929

Dearest Niall,

I can't control my thoughts anymore.

One minute I'll be thinking of something and then a second later my mind will drift to something terrifying, like a monster or blood or death. It's been a challenge to grasp onto reality lately.

I don't have much to say in this letter, I'm sorry. Nothing much has happened in the days I haven't written. 

I tried to talk to Louis. He flinched when I got near him. I didn't feel bad. I almost... liked that I scared him.

What's happening to me?

I'm not crazy.

- Harry. ❞

❝ Date: September 10, 1929

Dearest Niall,

Your birthday is in three days and I can't even remember how old you're turning. A part of me can't even remember how old I am. Why is that?

Sometimes I can't remember your face. Do you still color your hair? Did you get a tan? Do you have any new freckles on your back? Did your shoulders get any broader?

I still remember how your skin felt against mine. I can remember how soft your lips were, and how warm your body was.

Yet I can't remember things like where I first kissed you, or when we first made love. I can't remember meeting your parents for the first time, or what our house smelled like.

But I can remember one thing.

I can remember that I'll love you forever, always, and maybe even longer.

I'm not crazy.

- Harry. ❞

❝ Date: September 12, 1929

Dearest Niall,

There's a numbness all throughout my body.

I don't feel much anymore. Not on the inside, at least.

Sometimes I cry without knowing I am. Sometimes someone will tell me I look angry when I'm calm as can be. However, I'm only calm because I don't know what else to feel.

It's hard to admit it, but there's something going wrong and I think I feel myself slipping. But I just can't be.

I'm not crazy.

- Harry. ❞

[ do you notice that harry's thoughts are becoming more incomplete and scattered? ]