Who I Used To Be -Moxiety Fanfiction

Trying To Atone

I have never been one for tears. Tears were for the weak, for children when they throw a hissy fit or if someones dies. I'm not weak, i'm not a child, and no one has died...yet. So why did a hot, stray tear drip down onto my cheek, ruining my eyeshadow? Why did I care so much about what Logan and Roman thought about me? Why was I so worried about Patton? Why was there a stomach turning feeling in my gut I couldn't get rid of? 

I turned and threw a picture frame against the wall, smashing it into a million pieces of glass. I let out a scream and punched the wall again, more blood. Over and over I picked things up and smashed them again very surfaces. My anger and adrenaline rising as tears ran down my face. The voices, the memories, Roman and Logan's faces as they stared at me with such betrayal. They seemed to be burned into the back of my eyelids. No matter how hard I screamed they wouldn't go away. 

Finally I let myself fall into the destruction I had created and stared up at the ceiling. My heart was pounding, my fists throbbing in pain. It still seemed like the volume of my inner monologue was turned to 100.  How could I make all this better? I guess I couldn't. I couldn't undo what I did. But does that mean I shouldn't try? Even if I wanted to I wouldn't know where to start.
I mean... Didn't I? I couldn't just leave Patton. So what was I to do? All I could hear was Lawrence's voice in the back of my mind
"When you come to your senses, you know where to find us" I knew exactly what he meant. Where to find them meant having to venture back into a place I promised myself I would never go. A place that dark feelings of pain and betrayal lurked so deeply I could already feel my stomach in knots. But I knew deep down I had to go. I had to face it all, to atone for my sins, to see what I did and what I used to be. But I couldn't just go, not  by myself. 

I breathed in and I was in Romans room. He sat on a throne like chair in the corner, deep in thought. 

"Roman" I whispered. It felt strange saying his name with such seriousness, no joke or pun. His eyes flicked up at me but his face stayed the same. 

"I need your help" I tried to keep my voice as steady as I could. He just stared at me, the same empty gaze. 

"Please" finally he rose. His posture seemed off, he held his head low, defeated. 

"You're one to ask for favours right now" He pushed past me, striking my shoulder with his. 

"Roman please just listen to me" His back tightened. "Let me explain"

"I don't have to let you do anything" He swung around, pointing his finger at me. I froze at his sudden display of aggression. He scoffed at looked away

"You know what the worst part of this is? Logan saw it coming. In the beginning he said you were trouble, that you would bring us nothing but pain. That you weren't one of us, that you would never be" If my heart could break again it would have. But my heart was already in pieces, this was just icing on the cake. 

"I didn't want to believe him, I stood up for you. I said you could change, that you were more than Thomas's anxiety. That you could be one of us... Patton thought so too" I shut my eyes. 

"But I guess Logan was right. You were lying to us the whole time. I thought you were family" He turned away again. 

"Roman I think I know where Patton is, but I need your help" I said it quickly so I didn't cry. 

"I'm sorry Virgil, but we can't trust you anymore" A voice came from behind me. I knew it was Logan, I didn't want to see him. Instead I just stared at Romans back, hoping to god he'd turn around and defend me. 

"We'll find Patton ourselves, you need to leave, go as far away as you can, then go further" Logan's harsh tone hadn't faded one bit. Logan walked around and stood between Roman and I

"Go" He snapped. I just stared back at him, my fight or flight instincts for once telling me to fight.

"Logan..."

"Don't start with me right now Virgil" He postured up. I felt something in me snap, I had tried to be nice, but time was running out. 

"You know what? I'm sorry! I'm so sorry I ever hurt you or Patton or Thomas but right now we have to work together to get him back, so I'm sorry, but you need to get off your high horse and listen to me! Because your holier than thou act is going to get Patton killed" Logan looked horrified

"I'm going to get Patton killed? Have you forgotten this is all your fault? That you're the reason we're all in this situation in the first place? How dare you push your mistakes on us. You disgust me" He snarled and shoved me just hard enough to get me back a few feet. Oh you did not just...

I got within inches of his face, fists clenched

"Try that again I dare you" I yelled. Roman swung around and got between us. 

"Virgil stop" Logan and I continued to size each other up. 

"Please don't make this worse" Roman said. That caught my attention. I stopped and looked at him. His eyes looked pleading, tired, heartbroken. I took a step back and looked at both of them. Roman held Logan's arm 

"Just go" He mouthed. I huffed and pulled up my hood

"Fine. I'll find Patton without you" I knew where I had to go. 

In a moment I was there. A dark square room with a door at one end. I swallowed hard, digging my nails into my palms. It was hard to focus, Romans heartbreaking expression seemed to swallow any other thoughts I had. I walked towards the door, trying to calm the rage Logan had stirred up inside me.

I pushed the door open, holding my breath as I saw what laid behind it. A long dark hallway emitting a screaming noise. I covered my ears and gritted my teeth. On the floors, walls and ceilings were flashing replays of all of Thomas's most horrible memories. Embarrassment, fear, anxiety, sadness, rage, jealousy and cruelness. They all screamed at me at once. 4 doors lined the hallways with one at the very end. The doors were another way to get into our rooms, but could also we used for anything we wanted. I walked over to my door. Black and metal like the rest. I placed my hand against it and shut my eyes. I heard a low clunk on the other side. I jumped back and looked around. What was behind there? Was deceit waiting for me? Was this an ambush? Flight. I squeezed my eyes shut. No I couldn't. My fear for Patton overcame any personal safety. The image of them holding him captive made my blood boil.

I placed my hands on the door and pushed hard. It went flying off the hinges, exploding in an array of sparks and flashes. Wow, that hasn't happened in a while. I stepped into the room, the scenery immediately changing. The floor became loose gravel, the ceiling and walls were stone, it was dark with a low glow of a single flickering light. Against the wall next to the destroyed door was a figure. Patton stood there staring at me with the fear of god in his eyes. He wasn't wearing his sweater, his shirt streaked with dirt and torn, his hair a rat's nest and face covered in grime. He had thick chains around his wrists, bolting him to the wall.

"Virgil?" He said, his voice so low I could barely hear him. Before I knew what I was doing I rushed towards him and grabbed him, pulling him into a tight hug. He seemed surprised by my reaction, but then again, so was I. I pulled back and looked at him, checking for marks. He had a large, bruising cut just under his eye, the veins under his iris red and irritated

"Are you ok?" I whispered. He shook his head no

"We're leaving, don't worry"

"Virgil what's going on?" I shook my head

"Depression" was all I could say in that moment. I looked around for something to break the chains with.

"Virgil!" I jumped at his alarm in his voice. Standing there was Deceit. Behind him was Lawrence to one side and to the other was Elijah; selfishness. He, once again, wore Thomas's face, but his eyes were completely black, nothing but pupils. Dripping from them was a thick black liquid, running down his face to his jaw. Looming over all of them is what took my breath away.
Devon was dressed head to toe in black with a long dark green trench coat. His hair was slicked back, his lips and eyes black with the skin around them dark red and veiny.

"Depression" It felt like all the air was sucked out of my lungs. He brought his finger to his lips

"Shhh" All of a sudden my head exploded into pain. Everything went dark.

(I know this one was short I'm sorry! There's more to come don't worry)