Episode four: boating bitches
About: the crew get lost at sea and none of them has an extended phone plan so data on water wasn't in the question
Duration: 50 minutes
PLAY
SCENE: at the docks in no particular country because the show is run by a cheap broke asian so we get what we're given. HADES is finally in his pristine white boating suit that PERSEPHONE betted a good amount of money on the off chance that it gets ruined.
HADES: we're finally at the docks!
PERSEPHONE: you forgot to introduce the show
HADES: they're binge watching anyway, does it matter? And Netflix has that whole "skip intro thing," too
PERSEPHONE: what if they're steaming illegally?
HADES: then they should send me a link because my illegal website got shut down
PERSEPHONE: you're worth multimillions and you still illegally stream?
HADES: you can't judge my lifestyle!
PERSEPHONE: [offended] I'm your wife? Your lifestyle impacts my -
ZEUS: are you two done having a domestic?
HADES AND PERSEPHONE: [in sync] you're one to talk!
HERMES: [looks between camera 2 and the arguing celebrities with a mischievous look on his face, he strides over to camera 2 with HADES's camera and script in hand] Today! Our contestants will be fighting to the other side of the dock, to beat each other in an intense boat race. This challenge will exercise their team building and co operation skills and also test Hermes's fear of water.
HADES: [whispering to PERSEPHONE] is he allowed to do that?
She just shrugs in response
HADES: [snatching his script and microphone off of the man child] the teams are the same as the cooking challenge because they created a decent amount of drama. If you've forgotten what they were -
HERMES: [taking the microphone back] they were as follows. Team one: Aphrodite, me obviously, Artemis, Hera and Zeus.
HADES: [yelling over Hermes because he doesn't need a microphone] AND TEAM TWO IS: APOLLO, HEPHAESTUS, ARES, ATHENA, HESTIA AND DIONYSUS
HERMES: [also yelling] MAY THE BEST TEAM WIN
HADES: BOY IF YOU DONT -
HERMES: IF I DONT WHAT, BITCH
Episode cuts to the teams on the boats getting ready to start. HERMES already has his life jacket and swimming equipment on due to his deathly fear of water.
PERSEPHONE: on your marks [engines of the boats rev because ARES is in charge] get set, [aggressive revving continues] go!
Team 2's boat speeds off while Team 1's stays still
HERA: is the engine working?
HERMES: [looking at ZEUS] maybe there's too much weight on the boat
APHRODITE: you're right. What ever shall we do?
ZEUS: we could try- AH WHAT THE FUCK
ARTEMIS: [is stood wiping her hands on her jeans and has a dead pan tone] oops.
HERMES: [gasps and puts on his flippers and scuba mask] IM COMING FOR YOU DAD!
ZEUS: I'm not your dad I -
HERA: what a wonderful sky, Aphrodite have you seen the sky? How gorgeous is the sky -
ZEUS: you fucking adopted him didn't you
HERA: I LOVE THE SKY
HERMES pulls ZEUS out of the water, who is salty because he could've just used the ladder.
HERMES: [screaming] get it off me! Get it off of meeeeee
HERA: [rare observation of her motherly instincts kicking in] get what off of you? Is there a crab or seaweed?
HERMES: [sniffling] the water.
ARTEMIS: [throwing a towel at HERMES] well, we lost.
HADES: pretty easily too, you guys didn't notice that the boat was still chained to the dock.
Cut over to Team 2. ATHENA is observing Team 1 through binoculars.
ARES: so? What happened to them?
ATHENA: well Zeus is wet, but that's nothing new. Hermes is crying because his hair is ruined, that's nothing new, it looks like Hades is roasting them for being dumb.
HEPHAESTUS: What's Aphrodite doing? I really hope she remembered her sun cream her skin is really sensitive to sunlight and -
ARES rolled his eyes and got hit by HESTIA
ATHENA: yeah she's fine, she's drinking with Persephone in the shade
Transition to everyone back on the docks
HADES: well that didn't go as planned
ZEUS: is that what dad said when he found out mom was pregnant
HADES: with you? Yeah.
HERA: OOF
HADES: team 2 won, team 1 you're a mess and the producer said she relates so we're keeping this episode and airing it
HERMES: NOICE
next episode in 5...
