LETTERS TO REALITY ✓

FROM HOSEOK

Six - From Jung Hoseok

I wasn't planning on writing a reply to you. But here I am.

I feel like our past was easily pushed away and avoided.

We never talked about it and after your letter, I realised that. I realised a lot of things Serenity. So now I sit, forcing myself to bring up noteworthy, adrift things from the past. Things I regret and miss. Regret and yearning always come hand in hand.

We were childhood sweethearts.

I used to love spending every day of summer with you where we'd race each other on our bikes, make our own lemonade stands, go to the park and see who could sit on the swings first. They were always occupied but I'd always let you go first. I would do anything for you. I used to look forward to the bright, carefree weekends even though we went to school together where we were physically attached to each other's side- the other kids used to tease us. But we didn't care because we had each other, we had our bond.

A bond that eventually did last a lifetime.

I remember thinking my life was sorted at a young age. That when I grow older, I wouldn't have to worry about getting married or living a good, stable life... Because I had you. Stupid Hoseok.

What we had was unique, innocent and unknowingly sweet. My younger self had no idea that it would also be, unfortunately... Temporary.

Because of me, I guess.

The rumours, the sayings about high school were true. "These five years will be shit." It contrasted with what my mother told me. "These five years will be the best." High school never left a good impression on anyone.

I thought hanging out with a fresh group of people would help me to gain popularity. I believed that would be the right thing for me.

I became so consumed by the buzz and daze of tireless high school that I neglected you, left you.

I'm so sorry.

It was never my intention to hurt you. I would never trade our friendship for anything now. Young Hoseok made a mistake and he made many more. That's how we learn right?

We were in different classes- unfortunately, separated from making each other laugh in class like we used to. We hardly got time to even say hello to each other when passing in the corridors.

I got distracted by my new friendship group, messing around with them at lunchtime, on the way home with their jokes, being a typical high school boy. I realised that we were becoming strangers.

It hurt more than I wanted it to because in high school, I was surrounded by so much masculinity that it suffocated me and taught me that emotions make you fragile. I didn't want to be away from you and what felt safe with your embrace, but emotions make people weak.

Men aren't allowed to feel.

So, I couldn't be dismal or tearful at school. I had to be choppy, aroused and laughable. Expectations. I've had enough of people deciding what is best for me. I was expected to join in when my 'friends' teased girls, laughed at students they saw as inferior and found it amusing when they'd make fun out of the teacher. I never joined in, but I never told them they were wrong. I didn't have the guts.

I used to go home, take off my mask, hide under the covers and cry it all out- my emotions spilling everywhere. My bedroom became a place for my genuine emotions, and it started to give me comfort. The comfort I once sought in you.

There are too many expectations for teenagers. Even now, as adults, it never stops.

A burden is placed on our shoulders, to be something, even if its not what we want.

So, me feeling something more for you, me feeling guilty and dismayed when I'd see you try to smile at me in the corridor- hoping to catch me glancing at you... hurt because I had to hide my feelings.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you the way I felt. I had no idea you even looked at me that way.

I'd notice you at lunch, with your new friends as you sat on a round table filled with cafeteria food and your familiar laughter so near yet so far, would make my heartache. I'd always catch your glances. I'd notice you in class, seated towards the front when I'd walk past, waiting for my friends. How your hair would get in the way of you trying to do classwork. I noticed you and had a crush on you.

But every time you glanced at me, I always glanced back, even if it was after us walking past each other. I noticed you the way you noticed me, believe me, Serenity.

What advice would you give to young us? Young you?

I would tell myself- hold onto Serenity, popularity and masculinity isn't important. Society expects you to conform, don't.

I think the worst moment we shared was when we were in eleventh grade. I was hosting a party at my house and since you lived nearby, in my neighbourhood, we saw each other that murky night.

I was pushing off a girl who tried to kiss me and I caught sight of you walking home, past my occupied, loud house. We made eye contact but all I could concentrate on was your hand in Yoongi's.

After that moment, I forced myself to forget about you.

So, I got over what I felt for you, just the way you did.

But that doesn't mean I didn't yearn for our friendship back. That was my haven. I missed having a best friend, someone who would fondly stick with me through thick and thin.

Being friends with you again felt impossible in high school. I thought me asking you to sign my yearbook would be the start of us not being strangers anymore, but long and boring weeks passed as I took my anger out on myself for crying in front of you.

I wish I knew all it took was for me to knock on your door and ask you to ride your bike with me. It worked like an aged charm.

I apologised. You accepted it.

Now here we are, best friends.

I'll admit it. When I read your letter, there was a part of me that still wanted you to feel those emotions, but you never deserved me. I hope that sending these letters earns you something good instead of anguished nostalgia.

So, I'm ending this letter on a good note because we're still in each other's lives. Regard, love and commitment are perfect to describe what we have.

Thank you for being my hope.

Thank you for forgiving me.

— A letter to Serenity that she will never receive.