leave out all the rest. - [jikook] | j.jk & p.jm

《▪forgetting all

▪
J U N G K O O K

I remember the scene so clearly, it kept replaying in my head.

I remember it so well.

So damn well I still refuse to process it happened.

I remember everything straight from the moment in the room with Jimin-hyung when he connected our foreheads. I remember how I felt awfully nervous because I had a fluttery feeling from the proximity, but a magnitude of worry and fear was there too once he said his words.

I remember I felt more scared once he opened his eyes to meet my gaze and gave me his journal. And the reason was because Park Jimin would never let anyone worry about him, so he kept it all in his hidden words which were penned away in the pale brown book. So the fact that he decided to give it to me, himself?

I was scared because there he was, placing his collection of unsaid words in my hands. It was something he would never do, ever. So I could feel something was deeply and gravely wrong, and remembering how heavy the moment was, with his tears and broken gaze, and his words, it hurt me.

I remember how he leaned in, and how I could almost feel his tears rolling down his face. I remembered how he leaned in and showed that I was so important to him. I was so surprised at the gesture and I knew he knew I was surprised. And I knew he was aware of that as well. Yet nothing was said about it because honestly, I could tell he was in pain and that saying it would somehow hurt him more.

I remembered how he looked at me before smiling brightly yet sadly, still crying, before leaving his room.

It hurts thinking back to then, because in a way it felt like he knew this would happen and he was...he was saying goodbye.

Like he was saying goodbye for real and for it all.

I remember him requesting to Namjoon-hyung to let him sing the last few lines of Spring Day right before the end of the concert. His request was to be questioned but Namjoon-hyung, like me, detected something very heart-wrenching about his pleading look.

Hearing his shaking 'Please.', our leader and I looked at one another, confusion on our face. He was allowed but something disturbed us then. Especially me.

Because the pleading look he gave reminded me of the broken gaze he showed me back at his room. They looked related and that haunted me.

I pretended like everything was okay and that it was only a special extra verse by a different member. But no, things were wrong. I couldn't be okay at all.

He cried. Nobody cries unless something is wrong.

I was hurting inside. I was worried and scared. His tears, his stare at me, and his words back at his room kept replaying in my head.

I couldn't get it off my mind. Something felt too wrong.

I just never knew how wrong it really was. Not until we ended with Spring Day.

After the song had ended and the guitar and drums carried on for a while, we went around our stage and thanked our fans.

I remember all those cheers. Emerging from our beloved ARMY. Jimin-hyung went down to the crowd and communicated with as many of them as he could. He looked so happy, so excited, yet all the more he was broken inside.

And I didn't even know why until looking back on the whole incident.

When the drums stopped and the guitars began to fade, he sang the final verse again.

And in those twenty two seconds, it happened.

I remember it all.

By the time the song was nearing its end, Jimin-hyung went to the front stage and we stayed at the back smiling and watching him.