leave out all the rest. - [jikook] | j.jk & p.jm

you learnt

The next morning started with a rain shower, not letting anyone see a sunrise. The quiet of the morning was only broken with the pelting of droplets against the windows. The dorm of the boys was quiet as ever, only the sounds produced by whatever each member did to cope with their sadness, heard in their own room. They hated mornings because of their lack of sleep, but this morning would hurt them most. Already knowing the headlines would be everywhere, it succeeded in making them wish they actually were asleep and this was all a nightmare. However, the reality was oh so very cruel.

Not having slept for more than an hour the previous night, I sat on the bed with my usual outfit on, knowing I'll visit the hospital after breakfast, which would be served in an hour. The cold morning welcomed a damp haired Jungkook (myself) making me feel even lonelier as I stared at the journal of my roommate, who isn't here.

It sat at the side desk beside the bed with my feet in front of the desk and on the ground. I noticed the small blue flower peeking out, waiting to have been come across as I read more and find the page it lives in. It taunted me, even as it was seemingly so fragile. The temperature of the room and the silence of the dawn made my heart clench, and I bit my lower lip to release the tension. It worked, but it certainly didn't make me feel better.

In the remaining hour until breakfast, I decided to read one more entry. Of course, knowing each entry would pain me more and more, I had the same fear of what I would know this time. But, anything that felt 'real' had provided closure from hyung, which was what I needed so deeply, even if it would break me. And that thing was the collection of entries in this journal here.

And so I slowly but surely took the journal and switched on the lamp of the desk to illuminate the room which had recognized a lonely dark glimmer of light due to the clouds and rain outside. I flipped to the third entry, remembering where I left off and recalling this would be the entry about everyone, and about me. I closed my eyes, and because I could still smell the cocoa butter again.

I took a deep breath, and looked up and bit my lower lip again like I always did whenever I wanted to prevent myself from feeling too close to crying.

When a moment of silence passed, I plugged in the earphones and played the next song.

Lost Boy - Ruth B.

I took another breath, calmed myself, and started reading as the keys played.

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•《III》•

It's kinda difficult to talk about something else than my own thoughts. Taehyung-ie and Jeongguk-ie were the ones who inspired me to even get this journal you know? I just kept bursting at everyone, and they had told me I needed to control my temper.

I've spent countless nights of pondering over my bursts and all the bouts of confusion on why they couldn't understand me. Eventually, I felt terrible about it since, well, how could they get it? They can't. All of this pressure and anxiety are results due to me being myself, and none of it could be understood by them. I shouldn't expect them to, either.

Of course, the most they could think would be that I feel guilty for being hot-headed, not knowing the roots of everything, but in the end, no matter what it is, I shouldn't have thought it would work out somehow. It never has, so why will it now?

Therefore, heeding their advice, I have this journal. So it's strange that I'll have to talk about my affection and admiration for them here when I originally planned to come here just to accept, come to terms with, and live through the trap of my existence.