Aromantic

3 AM

I often lay awake at night wondering why I can't feel. Why can't I be romantically attracted to anyone? Don't get me wrong, I love myself and my identity, but it gets old, having to explain to people why I am what I am. Anytime I come out I have to define my identity.

I can love, just not romantically. There are no words to describe how much I love my friends. I cry from happiness a lot, and thinking about my friends, without fail, always makes me cry, because I just love them so so much. I don't think anyone loves me as much as I love them, but those are my insecurities speaking.

Right now, none of my friends are dating anyone, so it could be possible that I am their favorite.  When they do get into romantic relationships, I'll be pushed aside, because society values romantic relationships above platonic ones, no matter how long each has existed. No one will ever want to stay with me when they have someone better, and it gives me a very lonely future.

One of my only goals for the future is to move in with my best friend. We'll raise succulents and cats together, and on rainy days, eat take-out and watch old movies. That's what I want for my own future, but I know it's not very likely to last. I could maybe do that for college, but my roommate will find themselves a romantic partner, and they'll move on. The only way my situation would be able to be long-term would be if my partner is also aro, but that's not very likely. It's difficult finding other aro's, seeing how we're a minority with little to no representation. And even if I do find one, they'd have to like my personality, and I theirs. It's a dilemma.

I'll be lonely. Other aro's might not find this that bad, but I myself do want a queerplatonic relationship -- and this might just be amatonormativity, but -- someone I can count on to be there with me. Maybe I could enter a romantic relationship, but I wouldn't want to hurt the other person, and it'd all feel weird.

I'll just keep on hoping. I don't know what life will throw at me. The girl in the last chapter, the one I had a squish on,  I truly believed she was the best person in my life, and I am glad for her existence. I never thought I would meet her. Maybe I'll meet someone like that again, someone who'll stay by my side.

In the meanwhile, I'm still going to stay up late wondering why I'm no one's first choice, and if I ever will be.