Aromantic

Doubt

The label "aromantic" makes me happy. When I found the term for a squish, I cried from relief. Seeing aro colors makes me happy-cry. It feels right, but at the same time I wonder if it really isn't just that the rest of the world also experiences this. Isn't it that other people are faking butterflies?

I am young compared to other people who've realized they're aro. I'm 15, and I've noticed that a lot of people in the community don't realize they're aro until they're much older, because the label isn't talked about much. They're usually adults who have had a lot of experience with confusion.

In my mind, the age for people to start experiencing romantic feelings is 12, or around puberty, meaning that I've had about 3 years to feel and be confused. It's not much and so far I haven't had any crushes, which is a little weird for other people my age, but it isn't necessarily telling. Sometimes I read about other people having crushes in elementary school, which could mean that I haven't experienced romantic attraction for a lot longer than 3 years, but do people actually have crushes then? Is that a thing? If it is then I have another detail to add to my "early aro signs" list.

I feel nervous around people sometimes. When people, real or fictional, start talking about romance, I feel nervous, and I don't exactly know why. Even now, I feel nervous. It's not wrong-nervousness, like when I lie and know I'm lying. In fact, I don't know what type of nervousness this is. I'm not nervous around one person in particular, as would be expected of a crush, just nervous in a group and then calm around the same group. It's probably the nervousness that comes with teenage anxiety.

I wonder if maybe I'm limiting myself by calling myself aro, because I'm not exactly romance-repulsed. I'd much rather have a queerplatonic relationship over a romantic one, but it's not as if a romantic relationship will make me throw up.

Other aro's don't want a partner, but most of the time my future has someone in it. My partner and I'll be domestic and happy. We'll cuddle, take care of a cat that's sort of an asshole but loves us anyways and a lot of plants that spill over windowsills. We'll stay in on rainy nights, listen when the other needs a listener, introduce new music and shows to each other, and go out together to the movies or to ice-skate. It'd be a queerplatonic dream.

Point is, I doubt myself sometimes. It's more likely than not, based on all the signs and feelings -- or more the lack of feelings -- that I am aro. There might be a micro-label out there that fits me exactly, but aro is enough for me.