I'm sorry...

I tried... but that's impossible...

I tried to make daddy proud...

but that's impossible...

I'm just a mistake. you never wanted me born, I was an embarrassment, I could never be your daughter, I could never do anything right, I could never make you proud, I could never make you smile. you told me all those things right in my face!!!

but you don't know how many times you've stabbed me, how much I tried, how much I cried, how much I changed, how much it hurt, how much I suffered! now I hold back the tears. I can't change the fact that you hate me. all I can do is take in the pain and eat it up.. I know I'm a mistake.. you said It so many times. It became a fact. I'm nothing but a mistake to you...

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I tried making mama happy...

but that's impossible...

I keep messing up, saying things I regret, ignore you, yell at you, hate you and make you cry. I know I never do anything right. I can't cook, I can't say anything right, I'm lazy, I'm not good enough, I can't be who you want me to be, I'm always making things worse, I don't deserve a mother as good as you, I can't change, I'm just the worst person, and you don't deserve to suffer because of me. I know that you've suffered already with dad always cursing you out and calling you stupid and useless. but remember this, without you, I would be dead. I owe you my life... and I love you...

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I tried to be a good friend...

but that's impossible...

I have no friends. even tho I thought I had friends. I smiled, I laughed, I changed, I talked to them, I thought we were friends... but they don't even talk to me about there life. I've been ignored, I've been pushed to the side, I've been left behind their conversations, they've kept secrets from me... they don't actually consider me a friend. I'm just a girl they talk to and nothing more.

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I tried to be truthful to myself...

but that's impossible...

I don't know who I am, what I wanna be, who I can trust, what I wanna do, what I can do, what I should do, what am I supposed to do? am I doing the right thing? I don't even know what's right and wrong anymore. who am I? I don't even know that...

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I tried to smile...

but that's impossible.

it hurts too much, everything changes too much, I can't take it anymore, I wanna cry, I wanna give up, I wanna cut, I wanna not try I wanna just let everything go, I wanna not smile, I can't smile anymore, I don't have a smile anymore. it died a while ago, I can only fake it now...

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I tried to kill myself...

but that's impossible...

I'm to weak, I'm such a coward, I don't do anything right, I don't deserve to live, I don't deserve to have a life, I should rot In hell and suffer for the rest of my life, I deserve to be dead, I deserve to be killed, but I'm too weak to do it. I just can't make myself do it, no matter how many times I've tried, I just can't do it...

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I tried not to cry...

but that's impossible...

I can't stop. it's a habit, a comfort to me, a way of letting go of all this pain!

I can't stop, I don't know why but... it's... it's my drug... ever since I started, It's impossible to stopped...