Saving Leah

chapter 7

Wise words from a youngish man

I slam the door, seething with anger. How could she say those horrible words.  How could she break my heart so easily?

But I'm ridden with...guilt. I mean, I threw her into a wall. And when those honey brown eyes looked at me all I saw was fear. Pure and simple fear.

Of me.

It hurt my heart when she said my name. She sounded scared. Like she thought I was going to hurt her.

I could never.

But I did, didn't I. I hurt her when I pushed her into the wall, I could hear her gasp for breath when I did.

How could I do that to her?

Yeah, I was provoked, but that didn't make what I did right.

She trusted me to protect her, to keep her safe and I was the one hurting her.

I sigh, turning to the door. I should gi back in, apologise.

Don't.

It'll only make things worse. You'll have nothing useful to add. You're both hurting.

Just go.

So I did.

I continued walking into the crisp night. I had been walking for hours now and the same three things kept coming to mind.

I love Leah.
Leah does not love me.
I hurt her. Badly.

I gulped hard. I still couldn't believe it. After all we'd been through.... My eyes stung with unshed tears. Whenever they threatened to fall, I just bit my lip and dug my nails into my hands.

I'd dug so deep my palm bled.

I'd not felt this beat up since...
I don't even know when I'd ever felt this bad over a rejection.

I was a fool to think she'd really like me. She was probably used to guys falling at her feet.

I wasn't good enough for her I guess.

Where am I going?

I didn't know until I saw it.

Youth group.

If there was ever a time for counselling it was today.

I needed to see him.
Michel

I stepped through the automatic doors into the building. Our youth group was held in the restored basement of the building.

I went straight through to the counselling room. The sign on the door said 'no judgement zone.'

Sitting there was the youth pastor, Michel.

"What's up buddy?" He said lightly, pushing away the stack of papers infront of him.

"Nothing right now Mike." I said slumping into the seat opposite.

My stomach clenched at his friendly tone. He would think me a monster.

Mike looked concerned. "Go on..."

"You know the girl I asked you to pray over?" I began.

"Who, Leah, the one who was living with you?"

"Yeah. Well.... we got close, very close."

"Did you sleep with her?" Michel asked bluntly.

I blushed lightly, slightly embarrased. Don't get me wrong, I didn't mind talking about that sort of stuff. It was because of Leah. I was thinking about what it would be like to make love with her. To caress her. To kiss every single one of her scars. To tell her I love her.

Oh wait, you already told her that.

"Kind of?" I replied, remembering laying beside her that night.

"What about your purity ring?" Michel said, pointing to the silver ring on my finger.

"I didn't have sex with her. We just cuddled." I explained.

Michel raised an eyebrow. "All night?"

"We kissed, I guess. But nothing more." I scratched the back of my head, before coughing.

"Anyway, I er... I told her I loved her." My voice choked slightly as I repeated her words, "and she said I didn't know what love was. And that she didn't feel the same way."

Michell patted my hand, which was curled up tightly around the pen on his desk. I took a breath and then continued.

"Then I got so angry. It just took hold of me. I, like, slammed her into the wall. I hurt her, Michell. And she looked so... so scared of me. And I'm worried it's over for us. Whatever we had. I've not gotten so mad in a long time. I don't know what to do. I can't control myself." I spat out.

Michell leaned back in his chair, reflecting.

"Are you sorry for hurting her?"

"Yes." I responded, 100% serious.

"Then tell her that. And pray that God will help you not to do it again. As with the anger, you already know how to control it."

"I don't understand." I said, perplexed.

"You got out of the situation. You came here. You went to God. If you get angry, tell Him how you're feeling and ask Him to help you calm down."

I nodded. Then I sighed, slumping in my seat.

"I can't believe I've blown it with her. It's the second time I've ruined things for her."

I bit my lip as another thought came to mind.

"Do you think it was too soon?" I said quietly.

"To confess your undying love for her?" Michel replied, straight faced.

"Yeah."

"Maybe a little buddy. Sometimes people are at different stages. You need to make sure you're both on the same page before you do that."

"I thought she was!" I retorted, indignant.

"Well clearly Aidan, she wasn't."

Ouch.

"I guess you're right. Maybe I was moving too fast."

"Do you think..." I began hesitantely. "Do you think she meant it?"

"Was she hurt, angry, or emotional when she said it?"

"Yeah."

"Then maybe. If she comes back to you, when she's thought things through and still says the same thing, perhaps you should let old dogs lie." Michel answered.

I nodded. He was right as much as i hated to admit it.

"Thanks Michel." I said, rising out of my seat.

He smiled, clapping my back.

"You're a good lad Aidan. I know you'll do the right thing."

I hope I can.