bittersweet » lily evans

1.2

Julia couldn't believe she had done that. She had been so good at not bombarding Lily with her feelings and not assaulting the other girl's lips with her own for so long, up until now anyway. Her accidental flirtatious comment in Hogsmeade was nothing compared to this - now Lily really wouldn't want anything to do with her. 

Oh Merlin, what if, out of disgust, Lily outed her to whole school? No one would talk to her, she would be outcast and shunned for her 'abnormality'.

Apparently the muggle world was gradually becoming more accepting of homosexuality, but the few people who were openly out risked getting beaten up and insulted daily, it would be even worse at Hogwarts, which was a little behind the times in many ways, including their views on anything different or extreme.

Julia's heart was pounding way too fast, sending blood rushing around her body and making her limbs feel numb. She stumbled out of the dorm, leaving Lily in a shell-shocked state, and then down the stairs to the common room. Her hand gripped the handrail so hard that she was sure her knuckles had turned white, but she needed the support or she might just tumble right down to the bottom.

She wasn't sure where to go, where she could go, that would make her feel better. Nothing would make her feel better at the moment. When she reached the bottom of the stairs, Julia sort of hovered in the doorway to the common room, just like she had a few minutes ago outside the dorm. Her eyes were unfocused as she stared at a spot on the carpet and gnawed nervously at her bottom lip, a thousand thoughts leaving her unable to concentrate on anything but them.

"Thorne?" Sirius called, forcing Julia's head to turn to see him. He was sat where she had left him and was looking worriedly at her with the other Marauders. "You good?

'You good?' The words echoed around in her brain before she could properly process them. No. She was far from good. Slowly shaking her head, she turned away and walked towards the entrance portrait, she needed to get away. Julia felt like she was trying to walk through honey and the world was moving around her much too quickly.

"Woah, woah, woah!!" Sirius called and she could hear his footsteps jogging to catch up with her. "What's wrong?" He asked, placing his hand on her shoulder and turning her towards him to make sure he had her attention. "Shit, you're hyperventilating, you need to calm down." 

Julia hadn't realised it but he was right, she was suddenly aware that her breaths were coming out in quick bursts and she felt like she couldn't get enough oxygen to her lungs. 

"Julia, what happened?" Sirius asked, looking more serious than Julia had ever seen him, besides their conversation earlier.

"I-" She couldn't get the words out, couldn't admit to what she'd done, "I kissed Lily," she whispered, her voice barely audible; this was partly because she didn't want anyone around to hear her and partly because she simply couldn't bring herself to say the words.

"Fuck," Sirius breathed out, his eyes widening in shock, which pretty much perfectly summed up everything going through Julia's mind. He ran a hand through his hair and glanced around the room, "Okay, we need to get you out of here. I think this requires fresh air and comfort food."

Julia didn't say anything as Sirius turned her back around, his hand slipping to her waist so that he could guide her out of the common room properly. Normally Julia would have shaken him off and probably would have sent a nasty jinx his way for good measure. Right now, however, she was in no state of mind to even walk properly, let alone get her thoughts in order for long enough to perform a jinx.

She didn't pay much attention to where Sirius was taking her, just allowing herself to be gently guided through the castle and trusting that the boy wouldn't lead her into the Black Lake or anything. Trusting Sirius, that was something she had never done before, this had clearly messed with her head a lot.