ruin

part four

It had been almost two months since the night at his house and things had become steady. You slept over most nights, enjoying the company and most of your nightmares had faded away into distant memory. You felt safe with Chanyeol. For once in your life, things seem somewhat normal.

It was just easier with Chanyeol. Everything just fell into place when you were with him. Everything else just faded away.

"There's something I need to tell you," Chanyeol's voice echoed through the house, taking your attention from the television and looking up to him in the hall.

You weren't sure why he chose to bring it up now, but he did. "Okay," you nodded for him to continue.

He ran his fingers through his hair. "I know this is a bad time, but I need to get this off my chest. Fuck, how do I say this?" He asked himself, pacing around the room. Chanyeol was usually so full of confidence, so to see him so nervous like this made you wonder what he was about to say.

You smiled, trying to edge him on. "I'm right here, Chanyeol."

He gave an embarrassed grin, dodging your eyes. "That's the exact point. I'd said this in my head a hundred times, but now I can't even get the words out." He paused, taking a breath. He walked over to the couch, taking a seat beside you.

You started to grow concerned with what he was about to say. You cared for Chanyeol, but it was just that. In your head, your feelings didn't dig much deeper than that. You weren't sure if they ever could.

After what he did to you, you couldn't imagine loving again. Inside you were broken, your heart shattered a million times to never be repaired again. Yes, Chanyeol made it better, but he could never fix it. You weren't fixable.

Not anymore.

Chanyeol took a deep breath. "I'm crazy about you and my head spins at the thought of you. When I'm with you my mind is never clear, my heart beats so fast I think I might have a heart attack." He stopped looking down at his shaking hands. "I love you, and there is nothing else to it."

You stared at him, blankly. You were lost, all the words being taken from your mouth, your brain flooding with thousands of thoughts. All the times you had confessed those words to him. All the times he never answered.

It burned your heart to think about and now hearing those three words come from Chanyeol pained you because you knew you couldn't answer.

You couldn't respond, not able to find the words in your heart. You wouldn't to that to Chanyeol. As much as it hurt to not answer, it would hurt more to lie. You weren't a whole person, a part of you still belonging to him.

Chanyeol didn't know the real you, he didn't know your past. It wouldn't be fair to let him think it was love when he didn't know you. He didn't know that you were broken and barely bandaged together. He didn't know that you lived a lifetime in ruin. He didn't know that you never left.

You shook your head, slightly and stood up from the couch. "I have to go." You could hear him, protesting behind you. You didn't listen, you couldn't. It would hurt too much. You headed toward the door, opening it and leaving.

You heard as he called for you to come back, to not walk in the rain. As much as you wanted to you couldn't. The burning in your heart too much to bear.

You knew what those feelings meant. You had felt them countless times before, but now it was different. They were real.

You felt bad for what you did. It wasn't right to run out on him like that, leaving him alone after he confessed to you. He gave you his heart and you threw it back at him. It was wrong.