Mindgames

You wouldn't understand

I can not go on
Too difficult, I am done
I have barely slept
Why is that so hard to accept?

Now you are mad
I know, I am bad
You wanted me to stay
What can I say?

I can not even talk with you
Because a panic attack came through
I saw your eyes full of anger
Oh god, what have I done?

You are dissapointed in me
I am dissapointed in me
I know I will never be
The one you would have liked me to be

I am sorry
And I am sad
Did not mean to make you worry
Wish there was something I could have said

I do not dare to face you right now
My eyes, my head I bow
My heart pounds in my chest
How long will his anger last?

Why can you not be proud
Say: "that is my kid" out loud
Maybe because you do not know anything, not a thing about me
And yet I have to try to stay happy?

You always ask why I am always on my phone
Guess what, even in this filled house, I am alone
The only times I hear from you
Is when I did not do, rather than when I do

I know you care about me
But you do not show you care about me
So I do not know you care about me
How should I know you care about me?

I have been struggling with myself for years
You have no idea what I had to bear
No idea what I still have to face
Even home does not feel like a nice place

You are frowning
I am drowning
You do not see what you thought you would see from me
Here I am seeing how dissapointed you are in me

What in my life is there to enjoy?
I do not know, always feeling low
Even if I tried to explain this
You would not understand what I miss

AN
I do not mean to hurt the person this is about. Life can just be very challenging at times which produces such thoughts. I needed to let them out, in order to find peace.