Suck It, Right?

4. C A N C E R

I feel so lost
I don't know what
To do sometimes
Or maybe I'm
Lying and its
All the time

I'm sitting here
In the gloom with
The Thunder and Rain
As my only company

And I'm listening
To the type of
Soul searching music
That leaves you
Subdued and in tears

And I'm remembering
Who I used to be
I was so happy
And then I wasn't

Because the only
Reason the darkness
Is always stronger
Than the light is
Because the darkness
Is easy to befriend us
And the Light is hard
To keep in focus during
Tough times, because the
Light is hard to see
When you see darkness
All the time

And I'm happy
I swear I'm happy
But
Sometimes I feel like
I'm about to tip
But I thought I loved myself
Finally

Then I see, smell, feel, read or hear
Something that kills me
And I welcome it
But I shouldn't because I
Tried so hard to be okay
And I am
I tell myself but sometimes
I feel like I'm sinking

I'm not drowning, just sinking
Stuck at the bottom
Surrounded in darkness and water
I can't move
I can't swim
I can't kick
But at the same time I don't want to
Swim back up

And I'm so scared

Because I thought I was cured
And then I realized :
Depression is like cancer

It infects one part of you
And it spreads and infects
And then you start dying
But you go for Chemo
And you go into remission
Yet you can still feel it
The darkness, the sickness
Just under your skin,
Just under your thoughts
And then it comes back
Back to kill you

And so I wonder: Does it ever truly leave?

And that scares me more than anything in the world
Because I want to be okay

And I'm so scared of this, it, me.
More than death
Because there's a slim possibility
That I will be my death

And I fought so hard

And I don't want to stop trying

But sometimes I wonder if I'll be strong enough to not give up.