Suck It, Right?

7. I • O P E N E D • U P

Today I decided to take a leap.

I sat on the bus
By the window watching
The clouds and people
Walk and go by

Then I saw you down the aisle
And you saw me by the window
And you came and sat by me
And I thought I knew you

So I talked
About myself
Which I hate doing
And opened my heart

I let myself be vulnerable
I let myself feel
I let myself trust another person
I tried to let myself heal

You talked too
I won't forget that fact
You too opened up
But I realized it was always an act

After weeks of distance
Weeks of pain
Weeks of loneliness
Weeks of self shame

I talked to you deeply again
I trusted you again
I was going to open up to you again
I was going to take a chance again

But you shut down the conversation
It didn't get deep
You told me to take my meds
And told me to sleep

You say you understand
You say you know me
I thought so too
Until you ignored me

I didn't feel disappointed
I didn't feel sad
I didn't feel vengeful
I didn't feel mad

Because I knew
I prepared myself
That it wasn't what you would do
But what you didn't

And I deleted what I was going to say
I decided it wasn't worth it
It doesn't matter anymore
So I replied with a simple 'ok'

You sensed something I think
Which is why you asked:
How are you?
When you know
(You just don't care)

So I replied 'okay'
And you believed me
But I think you knew
You just really didn't care

So I asked you too
How are you?
You said you're being you
But that's ambiguous

So I asked you
What does being you mean?
And a while later
You finally responded

You asked me
How would you describe me?
And I took a second
To really think about it
And —

I told him

I don't know who you are really
{Because I realized then
that you never really know anybody}
And I continued on that

'You only ever just
Keep up face with me'
(Just like everyone else)
(Because I'm just another nobody)

And you heard it
And you saw it
And you acknowledged it
And you said "True"

And I realized you never trusted me
And I realized I tried with the wrong person
And I realized that feelings suck
(Not the first time)

And I decided to stop
Stop feeling
Stop trying
Stop being

Because if you
You amazing guy
You deep soulful spirit
You caring human

Could not trust,
Or open yourself up,
Or try or care,
Then how many other people will?

And I decided that I don't hate relationships
I don't really hate people
(That much)

I don't believe I'm too bad
Too far gone
Too rotten
Too much of a bitch
Too much baggage for another person

I believe

In love
I believe in second chances
I believe in magic
I believe in redemption
I believe in people
I believe in faith
I believe in the world
I believe in circumstance
I believe in myself

I know I'm mean
I know people think I'm rude
I know people don't like me
I know I have enemies

I don't want a relationship

Because

I will hurt my partner
I will be brutally honest
I won't hold anything back
I will get emotional
I will take him on a roller coaster
I will try to be my best self but
Still come out like shit

But I think I'm worth it

So I hope one day
There will be a guy
That isn't you
Who will take a chance on me
The way I took one on you
And not give up
Like you did

And I know he'll hurt me
But he'll still be here to clean
The wounds and watch them heal
And kiss them better until I am strong again

And I am still going to confuse him
And overwork myself
And take multiple naps
And not do the dishes

But nobody will ever love him as much as I did

They just might have shown
It to him better
Than I could
At the time

And I believe in a relationship
With me
And someone else
Who'll actually love me

But, for now
I don't
Because I haven't met anyone
Who makes me feel like I was never ordinary

And that's okay
Because I learnt to
Be okay with just myself
My whole life

My only wish, one
Needy request
Is that this person comes
And holds me before I
Turn into stone

For I fear
That when I do
It really will be
The end of love

And I applaud you, dear reader
For making it to the end of this
Seriously long ass poem

Have good day because broken people deserve it too.