I'm trying to tell the story of those who are too depressed to speak.

Roomate

I know that it has been legitimately two years since I have updated this. Since I have written anything at all. And I don't know how many people have read this since then or how many will. But recently, I had a former classmate that killed himself. He shot himself in the head.

Guys, this battle...is a battle for everyone.

It's not over.

Go watch '13 reasons why'. I cried. For hours. It's not easy.

Nothing. Is. Easy.

Now try to understand.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, so I went to a camp about two or three years ago, I am so sorry I didn't post this earlier. Life got in the way- but that can't happen if you don't have a life anymore. That's why this is important.

So in this summer camp I became pretty good friends with my roommate. Aside from fangirling, she was also a cutter. It had been about two weeks since she last cut herself. And obviously she was depressed, though I am happy to say that she was actually pretty upbeat at the camp. After noticing the scars and such, and how she subtly, not-so-subtly showed me videos of her favorite emo-rock band Black Veil Brides (Their music really is very good, despite me not being one for rock music) one night while we were both laying in our beds, I got her to tell me about depression. I have watched videos on it and know how others describe the feelings and such, but I figured that I should get the point of view of it from someone who has experienced it first hand, someone who I care about personally (we sure became friends fast) and I wanted to be able to share it to those who are still trying to understand (like myself). I might break this into parts, and I will try to do it verbatim- but it was late and it's been a while since she gave me the insight. So it will most likely be a mix of her words and my imaginative interpretations. But for those who have experienced this, I really do hope that this is a step closer to how you feel.

*********

Some days, there really isn't a 'trigger'. I just wake up or have a random thought and suddenly the cloud is there. Hanging low over my head and as much as I see others laughing and being happy, I just don't feel anything. Sometimes it lasts for a day and the next morning it's all better, and I wonder what had bothered me so much. But other times, it stays for days, weeks even. It takes a while and eventually it drags out to months. Months of just being numb and everything seeming grey, despite the sun.

There's a difference between being depressed and in depression. Everybody gets depressed, it's stress, it's problems, it's life. But when you are in depression- it stays. It never seems to go away. And after a while, I guess you get used to it. You don't really question it anymore.

It was not really a shock when I realized that I had fallen into depression. Maybe to some people it was, but there seems to be something within most of us that says it's sort of inevitable... I had always heard of the 'symptoms' of depression and stuff but when I found myself searching up videos about depression, out of curiosity,  I realized that I was feeling pretty much the same things they were describing. It was a moment of 'well this is bad, isn't it?'

And sometimes I get mad at myself, wonder why I'm so depressed. Because I see so many people in depression, with such a 'valid' reason to be. Like they have family issues or their life has literally been living hell since day one. But me? I had a pretty normal life, nothing traumatizing, nothing exciting or out of the ordinary. I was a normal teenager, having the 'out of this world' (pathetic right?) problems that every teenager had. But as of the other people who cut and are really depressed, a lot of their lives are completely fucked up. And I am minuscule compared to them.Yet I still have the urge to do the same things they do.

Honestly?

Yep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, that was my first shot at this and the next few parts will still be based on what my roommate has told me. The style is actually quite different and I feel more passionate and sure of what I write.

P.S she recommended to me this really good fanfiction and said that it is 'the closest fanfiction that has come to accurately describe cutting just the way I feel'.

So I checked it out and I do feel that it gives a great point of view to cutting, (then again, how would I know?) so I'm recommending it to you and if you want, check it out.

Just the first part of the first chapter really describes it, the rest goes into a deeper story. And it is a Sherlock Holmes fanfiction (That's what my room mate fangirls about- that and Benidict Cumberbatch- but that's a different story) Plus it ships Johnlock, (boyxboy) so if you are uncomfortable, don't read past the first chapter.

But it is always good to get more than one point of view and the writing is really good.

That said, the fanfic can be found on Fanfiction.net or archive of our own and it is called "Red on white." Check it out if you are interested.