How We Unravel

One

Chapter One: Dare Call Me Beautiful

It feels cold.

My body started shivering, yet ironically, sweat was starting to form on my forehead. I struggled to open my eyes, and from the darkness, I saw a glimpse of light.

With numerous attempt to blink, the light gradually became clearer, and my vision did, too. The room looked all too familiar, pero hindi ko matandaan kung saan ko ito nakita. A naked woman was painted on one side of the wall, her head tilted, one arm is covering her breasts, and the other is covering her well-shaven womanhood. Tears were flowing down her cheeks, and her eyes looked as sad.

Napatingin ako sa sariling katawan. I, too, was naked. And I, too, have tears on my cheeks.

"You're so beautiful," a voice mumbled and a man suddenly placed his weight on me. The room was too dim and I can't see the man's face, but his voice gave it all away.

This man in front of me, is the man who walked me in parks and bought me concert tickets of my favorite bands.

This man in front of me... is no longer that man. He has turned into something monstrous... Ravenous.

Or maybe, this is who he really is, and he just blinded me with all the chocolates and beers.

Binuka ko ang bibig ko para magsalita, but my voice betrayed me. Everything betrayed me. I froze there, lying naked, my body not responding to what my brain is yelling. Fear crawled in my system, slowly consuming me, telling me that this is what I deserve, that this is the end.

He used that as an opportunity to grab my wrist and restrain me.

"No," I whispered without my voice.

I was taught the importance of consent. I was taught that whenever someone does something I didn't like, I was free to say no and walk away. Yet somehow... he had the confidence to believe that just because my "no" turned out as a whisper, then it meant yes.

So, he conquered my lips, and no matter how hard I try to purse it together, he somehow found a way to force his tongue inside me, making me question what I did wrong, making me blame myself because I am so helpless and powerless in his arms.

After numerous sexual assault from my friends, I used to think that I have the confidence to fight this once again, that I built muscles in this body to show strength inside me. I was sure that I had the power to defend myself.

Yet, I lay there, powerless, helpless...

"You wanted this," he muttered as I hear the unbuckling of his belt.

"No," I repeated, louder this time. My cheeks were drenched in tears, pero hindi ko pa rin mahanap ang lakas ko para itulak siya palayo. My fear crippled me, rendered me paralyzed at the hands of my 'friend', my perpetrator.

"NO!" I shouted finally. Yet, a cold wind ran through my spine as he chuckled, he laughed, as if my no was his favorite joke.

Tinakpan niya ang bibig ko gamit ang kan'yang kamay, he effortlessly parted my weakened legs using his, and as he entered me, all I can taste is the rusty blood from my lips because of his kisses, all I can feel is the heaviness of his hand on my mouth and wrist, the hot tears on my cheeks, the cold air on my skin, all I can hear is my muffled "no" and "please", all I can see... is the naked woman in the painting, and for a split second, I saw her look back at me. She was looking at me as if I was a pity, because I am.

And when our eyes met, I realized... that woman is me.

"No!" Napaupo ako sa aking kama.

Hinawakan ko ang aking dibdib dahil sa paninikip. I scanned the room for anything, but I was in the confines of my own room. No painting, no yellow light. I was home. Yet I still felt the danger like it was real.