Ten: You are My Sunshine
My mind is a product of chaos, the voices inside me are soldiers fighting for dominance, for control — or at least that was what I believed.
Along with the familiar voices yelling at me, came a little whisper from someone calling me by a different name.
"Midnight..."
I am dreaming. I am floating.
"Midnight," he said in a louder voice and I felt a warm hand on my arm. Gently, I opened my eyes and jolted upon seeing the sight of a man beside me.
Mabilis akong umupo at lumayo sa kan'ya, my body reacting negatively, and then, I started shaking.
"Hey."
He looked at me worriedly. With two hands raised in the air, dahan dahan siyang lumapit sa akin, anticipating every second. "Ako 'to, si Art. Hindi kita sasaktan, okay?"
The haze in my mind was starting to falter. I was beginning to wake up. With a couple of blink, my eyes were seeing clearly. Ang singkit na mga mata ni Art ang una kong nakita, at ang lamig na dulot ng umaga sa aking balat ang una kong naramdaman.
I looked around, and we were still inside the tent Art made for us. We were still confined in a world where nothing else mattered.
"I'm sorry," I sighed, a scintilla of guilt evident in my voice.
"Okay lang," he reassured and grabbed the blanket beside him. Pinatong niya iyon sa nilalamig kong katawan. "Nananaginip ka."
Marahan akong tumango at kumapit sa kumot na tanging nagbibigay proteksyon sa hubad kong katawan. Sumandal ako sa isang parte ng sasakyan at kinalma ang sarili.
Art opened the window of the tent opposite to me until I can hear the sweet singing of birds and see the light-blue morning sky.
"Sunrise," he whispered and sat beside me.
The scintillating sun looked majestic over the clouds, its rays penetrating the white fog. Burst of gold and lavender were melting into saffron. The sky looked like a masterpiece of a graffiti artist. The view hushed the monsters inside me. For the first time, no other voice can be heard aside from Art's.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, he sang quietly. You make me happy when skies are gray.
***
You never know, dear, how much I love you,
Please don't take that sunshine away.I inhaled sharply and closed the music box. The pain was more palpable this time, like a sword cutting through the insides of me, chopping every piece left of me. The walls inside thi big courtroom was trying to swallow me, to drown me.
It has been a year, a year of nothingness, a year of pure suicidal thoughts.
Even my eyes are already tired of tears. I was becoming used to the sharp feeling every time a tear leaves my eyes.
"Are you okay?" Atty. Sia asked while holding my hand.
I nodded my head, tired of saying that I'm okay, but even more tired of explaining the never-ending cycle of pain, of reliving it again.
"It will be alright, Beth. He's gonna get what he deserves. Just tell the truth on the stand," aniya.
Muli akong tumango, trying to give even a slight smile, but failing.
Always failing.
Always disappointing.
She's lying. It's never gonna be okay.
"May we call on the complainant on the stand, Mrs. Bethany Chaleir De Vera-Tan."
My knees wobbled at the sound of my complete name. Nanghihina ako sa bawat paglakad ko patungo sa unahan, ramdam ko ang tinginan sa akin ng mga tao, ang kanilang mapanghusgang paninitig.
Taas-noo ko silang hinarap, all of them looking at me in disgust. If not for today, siguro iisipin kong wala na akong pusong tumitibok, dahil ngayon lamang muli ito nagparamdam nang ganito sa akin.
The lawyer handed me a Bible and I obediently placed my left hand over it, my right hand raised in the air.
"Lying under oath is perjury and punishable under a court of law," the lawyer explained.
"Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" The judge asked.
"I do," I said in a monotonous manner.
"So help you God."
"So help me, God."
***
If only I can live inside this dream, this fantasy, this world, I would. But I know all good things come to an end, and we must wake up soon. Telling my pain to another person somehow gave me the release I so badly needed. Saying it out loud, surprisingly, didn't worsen it, especially if you say it to the right person.
That weekend was probably the best I had in years. But I shouldn't dwell on dreams, I should go back to reality.
And that reality is me. Only me. No Art, no sunrise, no tents under the stars, just me and the voices inside my head. So I did what I did best, I left. No good-byes, no nothing.
"I truly wish you can tell me the problem, Beth," my manager said after reading the resignation letter I've given her. "If it's about the client, we can re-assign you to another one. He told me you were friends before and —"
"I'm really sorry, Ma'am," I said, cutting her off. I didn't want to hear anything about that monster. "It was unprofessional of me to go AWOL, but I am not mentally fit to continue the job. Rest assured I will do my best in the turnover process to render my 30-day notice."
She sighed. "You're one of my best associates. You have an exceptional talent, it would be a shame for this company to lose an architect like you, but if this job is affecting your mental health, then that should be the priority."
Ngumiti ako ng tipid sa kan'ya. Everyone can understand the state of my mind, but not everyone can support it.
I spent the rest of the day preparing for the turnover process, silently wishing not to cross paths with him again, silently wishing I can just do this on my own.
My shift ended with Juliana bugging me to go out with them before leaving the company. Kahit hanggang sa pagsakay sa elevator ay kinukulit niya pa rin ako.