How We Unravel

Two

Chapter Two: midnightthoughts

"The client already needs this, Beth," my manager looked at me, not even trying to hide the disappointment on her wrinkled yet beautiful face. "May sinusunod tayong deadline, remember? We still need to coordinate with the engineers and their team."

I am a disappointment even to myself.

"I'm sorry, ma'am," I bowed my head because that was all I can offer now. Alam ko naman, my work was already being impaired. Dati naman, gustung gusto ko ang ginagawa ko, but I just suddenly woke up and realized I lost interest in the things I used to be passionate about.

It was actually a miracle na nakakabangon pa ako ng kama, kahit na 30 minutes lang ako laging nakatitig sa kisame.

"When can I expect this?" She sighed, and it was obvious that she, too, is now tired of giving me endless chances.

"I'll finish it within the week, Ma'am," I said, completely aware that I was giving away empty promises. I don't even know kung buhay pa ba ako by the end of the week, at sana nga ay hindi na.

"Please make sure, kung hindi mapipilitan akong ibigay ang project na ito sa ibang architects," she said with finality and left me in the meeting room.

I immediately recollected my things and ran towards the comfort room. I just needed time for myself, I need to remind myself to breathe. There, I sobbed quietly while the world continued to revolve, not giving a shit about me inside the suffocating cubicle.

***

"Maybe it wasn't rape," a voice whispered from somewhere. "You're just overreacting."

I turned around, trying to find the voice, trying to stop it, pero wala akong makita. It was pitch black... Nothing but an empty space.

"For all I know, you provoked it," another one said. "Ano ba ang suot mo n'on?"

Pinikit ko nang mariin ang mga mata ko, tinakpan ang magkabilang tainga ko. I didn't want to hear these, binaon ko lahat sa limot ang mga pinagdaanan ko, convincing myself that if I never speak about it, it never happened.

"You were under the influence of alcohol, right? So your memory is impaired," the voice was louder this time. "How sure are you that you didn't give him consent?"

My lungs were starting to feel full, my throat was starting to feel dry. Why did I have to endure this trauma? What did I ever do in my past to deserve all the betrayals I had?

"You liked it, didn't you?"

Napamulat ako ng aking mga mata, yet everything was still pitch black. Namuo ang takot sa aking sistema. That voice. That fucking voice. That low and full voice, the same voice who has whispered sweet nothings and fucked me right after.

Adrenaline was starting to form within me. Nagsimula akong tumakbo kahit nanginginig ang aking tuhod, kahit saang direksyon, I just need to run away from him, from everything. I was pleading the voices to stop, to leave me alone, but they were all mumbling different things all at the same time. Tinakpan ko muli ang tainga ko, pero wala iyon naitulong.

They were all in my head.

Kaya kahit anong pagtakip ang gawin ko, they will continue to shout at me.

All at once, the voices stopped. There was nothing but deafening silence. Exhaustion was running after me and finally caught up, making my legs feel numb. Tumigil ako sa pagtatakbo at napaluhod na lamang. This is the part I hated the most, because in this silence, I wasn't sure if I was still alive.