How We Unravel

Twelve

Twelve: Annabel Lee

The wind was whispering against my skin; raindrops were falling from the nimbus clouds contrary to the calm we witnessed the other night, landing at my head, my face, my eyes until my vision of him was distorted. Ang hiwa malapit sa aking labi dahil sa kalmot ng babae kanina ay humahapdi sa bawat pagdaan ng ulan.

We just stood there like we didn't care. He removed his glasses that was already useless because of the dews.

"You're right, you're not my redemption," he said in a calm tone, his eyes squinted at every drop of rainfall. "Dahil kahit kailan hindi ko siya naisip sa 'yo. Limang taon na ang nakalipas, napatawad ko na ang sarili ko. Andito ako hindi dahil nagi-guilty ako, kundi dahil ito ang sinasabi ng puso ko."

"You're crazy," I snorted. "You should be running away from me."

"At kahit kailan, hindi ko naisip na ayusin ka. Because you're not broken, Midnight. You're just in pain, but you're not broken. You are strong —"

"Strong?" I scoffed. "Where's the strength in this body? Where's the strength in these scars? In slicing myself open every single night? Huh? Where's the strength if my mind has already known too many wars?"

I never thought I'd ever find comfort in rain and darkness, but tonight, I did, because along with it, I can hide the tears streaming down my face. The tears that were produced out of frustration... and fear.

Hot tears and cold rain. The paradox of it all added intensity to my heartbeat.

He took a step forward but stopped his attempt when I took a step back.

"You still don't know me, Art," I shook my head because he's wrong. I am broken beyond repair. The pain he's referring to is my brokenness. "You just can't dictate what I am and what I am not. So let me tell you what I am, I am empty. I am not capable to be a normal human being enjoying a fucking normal life. I am not strong. Can't you see? I can be too much and not enough at the same time. My hollowness is contagious. I will only destroy you."

"There is strength in resilience," he replied. "You're still here because you're strong."

I won't be soon.

"You deserve all the good things in the world, sa tingin mo lang hindi dahil sa mga nangyari sa 'yo. Hayaan mong ipakita ko sa 'yo, Beth," bigo ang kan'yang boses at seryoso ang kan'yang mukha. "Just... let me. Hindi mo kailangan gustuhin din ako."

I blinked twice to clear my vision. I hate it when someone makes me feel like I deserve love when all of us know what's gonna happen next. They'll eventually just leave me behind, leaving me with nothing but questions like, if I do deserve love, then why do they leave? Why do they take advantage of me?

Kahit na tumutulo ang ulan sa aking mukha, alam na alam kong umiiyak ako. I hate it when someone tells me that I deserve this and that and I should start seeing the good in me, that I should start looking at the brighter side, fuck, I tried that! I tried and tried and fucking tried to drag myself out of this misery, yet every time, I'm still failing miserably.

Most of all, I hate how he makes me feel something aside from hollowness. I hate that when I start needing him, he'll lose the life in his eyes and the smile on his lips. That when I start depending on him and pouring everything I have left into him, when he leaves, I'll be nothing.

I don't want him to fall in love with me, with someone who sees the smallest details and overthinks about them. I don't want to depend on him and put that weight on his shoulder. I don't want to write poems about him during lonely nights. I just couldn't stand to see him disappointed of me when I drink pills to relieve myself of sobriety or cut myself open with blood spilling down the bathroom floor.