Beautiful Mess (Book I)

Chapter one

"There are wounds that never show on the body but are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds."

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•Rae•

As I lay on my back, staring up at the white ceiling, I can't help but feel trapped.

I attempt to focus on the simple patterns above me like I always do whenever I need to distract myself. It doesn't help much, but it's still worth a try.

It's cold today. And whenever the temperature drops, this place reminds me of a prison. But isn't this a prison itself? It is a prison for the mentally unstable. It's a prison for people like me.

A thump on the door pulls me out of my miserable thoughts. It's time to wake up. Sometimes I wonder if the nurse ever gets tired of knocking on the door of each bedroom every morning.

I've been awake for hours now, but Jill has been sleeping peacefully up until this moment. I hear her shuffling on her bed, but I don't turn my head towards her. We don't greet each other in the morning or say good night before we go to sleep.

I have mixed feelings about the fact that I have a roommate. I like to think that we're friends, but our reserved personalities prevent us from opening up to each other. It's fine though. Even if we can't be besties or even come close to it, it's still nice to not be completely alone and isolated during our free time.

Within minutes, we're lining up for a shower. I make sure to not be towards the end of the line because the warm water would always run out and turn cold as time passes. I know from experience. I've been the last one to shower last week and let's just say I'm determined to not let it happen again.

After we're done showering, we line up for our medication. The nurse behind the small window makes sure we're taking them properly. Not all of us are subscribed to medicine though. Jill, for example, isn't. Since their religious laws forbid them from using psychotropic pills, the first thing her parents did when they brought her here was make sure she wouldn't have to.

Then comes my least favorite part of the day. We go into a separate room one by one and the nurse checks our body for new cuts. We're not allowed to possess any kind of sharp objects, and the nurses are always watching over us.

That's why the fact that they do this every single day without fail is a mystery to me. It's not like we can magically harm ourselves.

The nurse asks me the same questions every day, and my answers are always the same.

"Are you feeling okay?"

No

"Yes."

"Do you have any kind of harmful or suicidal thoughts?"

Always.

"No."

After we're done with breakfast, we spend the next few hours in random workshops like art and music. I enjoy these classes unless we meet a new psychologist and they decide to talk to us one on one. That didn't happen today, fortunately.

The rest of the day went by as usual and I'm once again sitting alone in the gym as most of the kids exercise. It's the only part of the day, besides movie time, that us girls get to hang out with the boys.