Beautiful Mess (Book I)

Chapter thirty

"You don't cross my mind. You live in it."

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•Kyle•

My heart thumps in my chest as I see her walk out of the hospital. She pauses for a moment and takes a deep breath.

Star comes from behind her and holds her hand, and then they walk towards the main road.

For the last three months, I called Shelley every week to check up on Rae. She told me she'd let me know when the time comes, and she kept her word by calling me yesterday to tell me that she'll be discharged today. I've been here for a few hours just waiting to get a glimpse of her, but nothing more. I don't think I can be brave enough to show my face.

I see the two of them walk down the street, and feel relieved that she's got Star with her. At least she won't feel lost all by herself.

My phone rings and I quickly take it out of my pocket. Jess.

"Hey bro, you working?"

"I took a day off."

"Why? You got somewhere to be?"

"I uh... I'm..."

"Wait, she's out, isn't she? Are you with her right now?" I can hear the excitement in her voice.

I still can't believe I have my sister back. When we got reunited three months ago, it was a relief just to see her, but to know she's doing well and even has a job as a waitress added to it.

Her boyfriend Trevor seems like a nice guy. The three of us hung out a lot after that day, and he told me he had never seen her this happy. Jess and I talked about our parents once, and agreed that maybe we'll go visit them someday. We want them to see that we're leading a good life, but I'm not sure if they'll give a shit.

"Technically, I'm not with her. But I saw her."

My words are met with nothing but silence.

"Jess? Are you there?"

"You dumb son of a-- what the hell is wrong with you? You waited for this moment for three fucking months you nut case! Go talk to her you moron!" she screams at me, and I hold the phone away from my ear until she's done.

It's still unusual for me to hear her curse because the sweet and innocent Jess that I used to know was the exact opposite.

"Kyle!"

"I hear you Sis, I'll do it. But not today."

I hear her sigh. "Fine, come by later. I'll wait for you."

I hang up and continue to follow them from a distance.

They walk in slow steps, occasionally glancing at the cars passing by them.

And then they get into a bus and I quickly follow behind. They're sitting towards the back so I stay close to the front, making sure my face is completely hidden from them. After the second stop, they get off the bus and so do I. I follow them until they arrive at the place they'll be staying at.

I stand there for a while fighting with myself whether I should talk to her or not. What will her reaction be? Is she still mad at me or will she be glad to see me? Will things go back to the way they were between us? I'm scared to find out.

*     *     *

I glance at my watch again. It's been an hour since I came here. The sun wasn't even out by the time I got here. I couldn't sleep last night. I've thought long and hard about it since I went back yesterday, and decided that Jess was right. I waited for this for three months.

God knows how much I missed Rae. And now that she's discharged I shouldn't cower back and keep watching her from a distance. I owe her an explanation. But I don't know how I'm gonna do it yet.

Rae walks out of the house, and I quickly turn around so she wouldn't see me. I pretend to be on the phone until she passes me by, and then follow after her.

I wonder why Star isn't with her, but knowing Rae she probably wanted to be alone.

She stops as she gets to a small shop, and hesitates for a moment before going in. I stand there and wait for her to come out. I can see through the window as she looks at the different items before buying a mirror. I hide behind a tree and wait for her to pass me before following her again.

I feel like a creepy stalker, to be honest. But I just can't bring myself to approach her.

It takes me a while to notice that she isn't in front of me anymore. I glance around in confusion, but she's no where to be seen. I quickly walk towards the spot where I last saw her, but it's a straight road with no turns. And then I turn to my left and see her peeking from behind a tree. She freezes as soon as she looks at me.

The fact that she's staring at me blankly is making me nervous. We just stand still for a moment before I take a step towards her. 

"Rae," is the only thing I can say.

"Kyle," she says quietly.

A few seconds pass as we stare at each other.

"I--I thought you were--" She brushes her hair back and takes a deep breath. "I was scared because I noticed that someone was following us yesterday, all the way from the bus to the house."

I stare at her in surprise.

"I got outside for the first time in months. So of course, I was paying attention to every little thing going on around me. And you made it obvious that you were following us by turning away whenever I looked back. I didn't know it was you so I was scared," she explains.

"Sorry for scaring you." I rub the back of my neck. "I didn't know how to..."

"It's okay." She glances at the mirror in her hand. "I bought this just so I can check who's following me. But then I saw this tree and decided to hide and let you pass." She chuckles.

"Clever." I grin.

"Well," she says, and it seems like she's about to continue but changes her mind and looks away instead.

I break the silence after a moment. "I uh... I'm happy for you. I knew you could do it."

She nods.

"You're okay, right? Do you like your new home?"

She nods again.

"And the others? I heard only you and Star got out this time."

I remember the conversation Ollie and I had when I told him I was getting out. He jokingly asked me if I'd miss him, and I told him no. And he said to me 'Bullshit. You can't bullshit a bullshiter, Kyle.' I hate to admit it but he's right. I do miss that douchebag. I hope he's doing well.

"They're doing fine. Shelley said it's a matter of time before they get released too."

"That's good."

We become quiet again until she asks, "What about you? Are you doing okay?"

I nod but before I can say a word she beats me to it. "I--I have to go," she says turning around to leave.

For the last three months, I've seen what it's like to live without her. I've felt the emptiness in my heart. I've known what it's like to miss someone so bad you can't even sleep.

That's why I won't let her go again.

"Wanna start over?" I call out.

She pauses and turns around with a questioning look.

I take a few steps forward and stand in front of her. "Let's start over, Rae. Like we hadn't met in the hospital, like we're seeing each other for the first time."

She keeps quiet and I stretch out my hand. "I'm Kyle."

She looks into my eyes with that unreadable look on her face, but then she shakes my hand and smiles. "I'm Rae."