Painful Moments In My Life

Chapter 3

A/N Please watch the video. Also, trigger warning. There will be some cuss words, and possibly triggering stuff said. If you are sensitive to some stuff, like self harm, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS!!

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It hurts. It fucking hurts. I have people say "Oh, I will always be there for you, no matter what comes up!" And I believe them. Like a fucking idiot, I believed them. I believed they would be there for me. But I was wrong to trust them.

My heart has been broken so many times, my eyes have cried so many tears against my will, my hands have beat against walls, my head, and my younger brother's body, when I didn't want them too. I am the cause of this pain.

I hurt them. And in return, instead of trying to calm down and ask me, "Why are you hurting?" They hurt me in return, only. Their words sink deeper into my torn, thorn-covered heart until I have new scars trying to heal themselves.

I don't know how to handle this pain anymore. I feel so fucking weak. I feel like a failure. I hurt the people I should be protecting, and they leave me. I guess I am to be left alone.

I don't deserve anything good, it seems. I always screw up all the good things in my life. I am a fuck up. A mistake. The voices I try to block out in my head continue to torture me, over and over again:

"You don't deserve anything."

"You aren't allowed to cry."

"You need to be strong for the family."

"Rosary Rory Repulsa, you are a horrible sister!"

"Why are you still alive?"

"Go kill yourself!"

"No one wants you around!"

"I hate you, Rosary!!"

"You are a failure!"

"You are not my daughter!"

"You father left you, so stop talking about him!"

"Go clean yourself!"

"You dumbass!"

"Bitch!"

"Slut!"

"Whore!"

"Freak!"

"Weirdo!"

I can't take it anymore!!!! I just want them to shut up!!! It hurts. It really hurts. I try so hard to make everyone happy, but I fail every single time. I can't take anymore pain from the people I love.

I let people close, but only after they prove they aren't going to hurt me, but once I let them in... they hurt me... I'm done with it. I am not going to let anyone close to me. Ever again. I don't want to hurt anymore.

It will take quite a while before these scars heal, if they ever do. Some scars just don't heal at all... and those are the ones that hurt the worst, because they are still open wounds underneath the scab and scar.