Painful Moments In My Life

Chapter 4

Journal Entry #1:

I feel broken. No one seems to understand the pain hidden behind a fake smile. And no one tries to look further. They think "Oh, she's happy. That's good." I am NOT happy. I'm far from it. All I want is to curl into a ball and cry my heart out, but I can't. The way I was raised forbid me from ever crying. It made me start hating myself every single time I cried.

I thought I was weak for crying. That tears were weakness. Everyone was allowed to be weak, but to make my family happy, I could only be strong. Meaning, no crying, no laughing, no joy, no sadness. No. Emotions. Stone cold or, ice that never melts, as you would call me.

That ice is slowly starting to melt, though. And it sucks because that pain, those tears. They are all slowly starting to come out until my heart freezes over again. I just want to melt fully so I can't freeze over again, and so I can truly let this pain, these tears, this hurt. This anger, this joy, these EMOTIONS out. I can't keep it bottled up. How do I do it, though?

The tears won't come out. They stay hidden. They continue to choke me up and not let me voice this pain. Except through here, where I am completely anonymous... tell me, what do I do?? I'll write more later. Peace Out, I guess...✌🏻

-Rose