Painful Moments In My Life

Chapter 6

Journal Entry #2:

It hurts. He's gone now. My Papa. My grandpa... the one person who I counted on throughout my years growing up... instead of being able to hug him, I carry his ashes in a necklace. A necklace that, before I ever walk out of my bedroom, I put on.

I'm not sure how I'm surviving without him. It feels like a part of me is lost. I'm stuck... and I don't know if I can pull myself out of the black hole I've become swallowed in.

All I see is darkness around me. All I feel is pain, and anger, and sadness. I go through every day saying "I'm ok" or.. "I'm fine" but the truth is... I haven't been ok...

I've been completely broken since December 18th, 2020. That day will forever be ingrained into my brain as the day I lost.

December 18th, 2020.... the day I lost my Papa.... the day I lost my yellow. Those who know what I'm talking about, I wish you never experience this pain. I honestly don't know how I am not breaking down bawling every day.

I never wish the pain I feel, and have felt, since losing my Papa on anyone. It is a pain that cuts much deeper than any word, action, or thought. My last words to him, were in 2019. And they were simply "I miss you, Papa"

I couldn't even stand to face my family, but I did it. Out of honor, respect, and love for my Papa. I had to leave soon after going to the plaque that holds his ashes because they disrespected me, and I do not wish to taint his memory like that. I will be going back when I get the chance.

I miss him. Every day, I wake up, thinking he's still here, only to grab the box that holds the necklace filled with his ashes, and be reminded that he's gone. However, two people, two families, are rejoicing as they/their loved one has their sight back thanks to my Papa. The third person in my entire family to pass away from cancer(that I know about thus far)...

That's all I can think of to say for now. Until next time... -Rose