teenage thoughts

Chapter Nine

love was never on our side. we did not know what it was and neither did love. love wandered over us and decided that we are not meant to be. but oh, how I wanted us to be. i wanted to go on little walks with you where our hands touched gently and our breaths intertwined in the cold air. i wanted to sit with you in my favourite coffee shop and laugh at you making jokes about my coffee addiction. i wanted to lay in bed with you on rainy days and read my poems to you. i wanted to hold you the way you held my eyes in yours. i wanted to leave you breathless just like the way you left me. i wanted to show you my music so you would truly understand my soul. i wanted to show you what I was, what I am, what I could be.

-what we could've built had we tried.

i am scared to let go of all of my pain. because what else is there to fulfil me? pain is my unwanted roommate. he knows me well, knows how to seduce me, knows all of my little secrets. whenever I tell him to leave, he smiles at me, but darling, you cannot live without me.

-pain.

life is not there to be comprehensible. life is there to be lived. and that's what makes it so incomprehensible.

-life.

i am afraid of myself. i do not know how to talk to me. i do not know how to make me smile. i do not know how to live with myself. sometimes I am so tired of being afraid. sometimes I get lost in that fear. and I cannot seem to find a way out.

-my biggest fear.

can I just scratch and tear off all of my flesh just to be assured that there is no one else hiding behind it?

-where is the real me?

depression is not a disease that haunts you. depression is something that slowly becomes a part of you. and sometimes, you become it completely.

-my depression.

the first time I saw you, it were your eyes, who smiled more than your mouth. i could see my future in these eyes. i could see my laughter in these eyes. i could see my happiness in these eyes. you were so present, that everything else became past. your eyes were like chocolate and I wanted to taste it.

-your eyes.

it is like every single freckle on your body tells a different story. you are made of thousands of stories and I want to hear every single one.

-your existence.

you are my very own beautiful. you are warm coffees in the early mornings. you are little smiles from complete strangers. you are falling leaves in autumn. you are rainy days in spring. you are sunrays through curtains. you are dried red roses. you are poetry. you are every single star in the galaxy. you are my very own beautiful.

-mine.

you are wearing your heart on your face.

-your smile.

i do not want you to be my prince. i am not a princess; i never wanted to be one. i am a girl who needs a simple boy, a boy who knows how to simplify all of my difficulties.

-my kind of simple.