3am Thoughts...

Walls...

I don't know why, but for as long as I can remember I've been building walls.
Walls that kept people out but trapped demons inside.
Four years I've been living with the pain of my demons, and every day I've gradually began trusting them, listening to them and believing they were right.

But that all changed when you appeared. The few friends that I have had to slowly earn my trust before I started bringing my walls down. But no, you come and out of the blue, I begin to trust you. I don't start the conversation, but when you ask of my 'problems' or 'troubles' I don't lie I just tell you.

I trusted you, that was until the day you changed. Everyone changes, yes I know that. But no one changes like you did.

You ignored me for months, broke every promise you ever made, and worst of all you made fun of me. I sound like a child, but when you feel what I feel, you don't sound so childish.

When you feel lonely or pathetic. When you feel that no one will ever love you or accept you.

You started telling me these things, you started calling me names I hated, stripes, tiger, all because of the scars on my arm which you and your bitchy friends put there.

A few months of self hate, depression and anxiety passed by, my world was finally getting back to "normal" , I had built all my walls again.
And not just with you, with my family and friends that was until you texted me again.
Apologising for everything you had said. Calling me pathetic for not being able to stop.

Not wanting to stay in the past, I had replied to your "hey, I am really sorry for everything I had said. I wasn't in a great frame of mind at the time. I am extremely sorry and I hate myself for it. Sorry" it took a few hours but I had finally found the words to say.

"Fuck off. You had left me hating myself and I had fallen into a deep pit of depression and you walk in saying sorry. Your words hurt so much and I hate you. You made me feel like someone cared and I thought I could trust you, once you broke that trust you changed nearly everything about me. I stopped telling my mum that I love her.

I stopped opening up to people and started ignoring them instead, because I had the fear that they would do the same as you.

Now what I replied with might not sound like much but to me it felt so nice to finally get this burden off my chest.