Lost

First meal

Flinging out my arm i took a grab at the animal.............Eyes closed i could only hope for my hand to connect with skin, and it did. I quickly caught hold of the scaly lizard , its eyes were wide in fright as it squirmed around in my hand trying to escape. And no way was i going to let that happen again, i knew what i had to do to stop it withering but that didn't make it any easier. Taking a deep breath with my eyes still closed i felt around the little body for its head and snapped the neck. Suddenly the wiggling stopped the small creature went limp in my hand. My lower lip trembled , i was about to cry , though i didn't know if my swollen eye would be able to.

I didn't bother holding it in who was here to see me anyway? So with tears streaming down my now open eyes, i toddled over to a flat space and layed the limp creature gently down as i started gathering twigs and sticks to make a fire. I couldn't see properly the tears had blurred my vision, but i didn't bother to wipe them away , i just let them drip off my face staining the ground below me making a trail of my sadness. I felt like shit , i just killed a creature god created , and i thought human kind could sink no lower. The scary thing was i knew i was going to have to do it again , many more time until i got found , if i got found.

I scraped some very delicate paper thin bark of a flex-able tree and chucked it on top of the twigs. Sniffing heavily from my breif bout of crying - which had now stopped- i shuffled around searching of a perfect stick and a sharp stone. I spotted a nicely rounded stick which i picked up of course and a rather spiky stone which i also decided would have to do. I placed the stick upright in the middle of the twigs but i didn't start straight away , i only knew how to light this fire from theory and if we think back to how last time went , i think you would be able to understand where i am coming from. i sat back and contemplated what to do , i basically realized i had no choice but i still didn't want to do it. My stomach ended up making the final decision for me when it gave it biggest growl yet. I mean it had actually started hurting from the ache of hunger. So wiping my sweaty palms on my pants i got to work. Kneeling down i wrapped my hands around the stick and started twirling it as fast as i could after five minutes the stick had started to grow warm and i was huffing and puffing, but i keep going my belly made sure of that, constantly groaning and moaning , you would think that it was a spoiled child deprive of time on her iPad. I quickly grabbed the stone and repeatedly scraped it against the wood, again and again and again. After another 5 minutes i was sweating heavily and  my throat was parched , so i took a break. My confidence in the concept had steadily grown weaker every time i scraped the sharp point of the rock against the stick, but i wasn't about to give up , i needed this meal , no matter how small it was i needed,

I needed it badly 

But still it was with a heavy heart that i attempted another round of the energy draining task. Though i still did it , once again place my hands around the stick and twirling it as fast as possible, once the stick had started to grow warm i banged the rock against it ,harder and harder , faster and faster. Hoping desperately for a stroke of luck , after 20 minutes i knew i had to stop , which ever way i was going to light this fire it sure wasn't the one i had been trying.

I had to give up and that was NOT  something i like to do. I moved to sit on a abnormally warm rock and pondered what to do, The sun was high in the sky now , "must be lunch time" i said jumping in fright at my own voice. It had so sounded so much like someone else's though , my voice wasn't usually hoarse and manly, it was kind of girlish and sweet. Anyway back to the lunchtime thing , i decided that obviously even if i managed to cook the lizard it definitely wasn't going to be enough to fill my hollow tummy and seeing how warm the rocks were i thought that that would be my best option to cook it.

So in coming to this conclusion i got up and moved to the now stone cold figure that was my meal to be - i hoped-. I found the sunniest spot that had a rock on the area and placed the lizard upon it , careful to position it in the hottest place.

I then went off in search of berries or other foods that i didn't have to kill. Carefully marking my trail so as not to get lost , i laughed at my own thought ' not get lost' who was i kidding , i had been lost for how long now? five days? no wonder my belly was desperate to eat , who's stomach wouldn't be? 

I stopped in every new area , scanning for some form of food and making X's on tree's with the sharp stone i used while attempting to create my fire.

As i scanned a great heave of sadness landed heavy in my chest , it was because i killed the little animal , i had read about snapping the neck of creatures so many time in books but not once did they mention the emotionless that you had to feel while doing it , nor did they bother to tell their readers how full of regret and sorrow a human can feel just be ending another life, most humans woundn't consider the likes of a petite lizard as an equal. But i wasn't most humans , i considered everything that lived and breathed and equal , from the largest elephant to the smallest ant. EVERYTHING, except maybe plants as they do not walk so i don't feel the same way about them. 

I had been through about five area's now and had started to think that what every amount of luck god had given me must of run out where i came across some bushes , spiky and thorny bushes , that looked like............ but no i darn't hope ,not till i know for sure. I ran towards them with some new found energy

 YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They were , black berries bushes , i started prancing around in delight , my luck had turned over, i mean yes i had got lost and yes it was winter and yes i got shot in the eye and yes i had had to survive for a few days on little water and no food. BUT here was a perfect black berry bush , in the middle of winter just waiting for me to eat it , which i did ravenously. 

Gnawing hungrily on them i started racing back towards the lizard , it was late afternoon and i hoped the lizard wound be cooked , i mean luck had been in my favor for a while i just prayed it would last a little longer.

 I reached the area , so , so , so hopeful that it was cooked but not really darning to believe that it would be. The sun had moved on from the rock but i still managed to find it, though it was lizard-less. My shoulders slumped and i slide down the tree ready to burst into another wave of tears, but i didn't let them come, i was too strong to be so pitiful as to let the small loss of the lizard get to my head and make me break down.I could not and would not let that happen.

Instead i sunk into the success of finally find food and having a partially full tummy , i smiled and convinced myself to stop caring about my worry and go back to the patch of succulent berries to completely fill my stomach. I knew i wouldn't be able to live of berries forever and that they were going to run out eventually , but that was a worry for another time , another day , another week.

For the first time in five days i was happy , actually happy. I never really realized how important a full stomach could be and remembered to cherish all those times that it was. And that night i didn't  snuggle down into a hollow , it wasn't cold. I instead lay down with a patch of needles below my head as a pillow and gazed up at the stars and just admiring how beautiful they really were. Appreciating the way they sparkled and shimmered in their own special and individual way. The night air was not cold and icy it was actually humid and moist! This surprised me , it was winter? Maybe it was just the special side effects of a full stomach, i hoped for more days like this , no i didn't i prayed for more days like this. As i lay there star gazing i remembered my brother doing the same thing and wondered what he was doing in heaven right now , was he watching over me? Was he giving me the berries as a sign that he's still looking after me even though he is gone from the world. I never used to believe in ghosts but right here and right now ,  so i did.

I drifted off to sleep with hope in my heart , no matter how tiny or how light ,it was there ,the burning fire of survival and hope. And when day broke tomorrow i was gonna use it to my strengths.