Beautiful People Will Ruin Your Life // malum

chapter eleven

Katie's smiling at him, sorry eyes staring back as he sits at the chair by her desktop. Collapses down like his bones are breaking and his muscles are cramping.

"How you been?"

He could lie. Could smile and tell her about classes, how he's stressed. Could force a smile and tell her about how his mom still asks about his relationships at the dinner table. There's so much he could do, so much he can't because he's too emotionally hurting to pretend.

"Miserable, and it's all my fault." He buried his face in his hands. "I'm fucking stupid, Katie."

He hates himself, and he hates how he's letting some spitfire punk underneath his skin.

"Yeah, I know." She mocked, but the light tone immediately changed when she realized he wasn't laughing this timd. "What did you do?"

He felt his stomach twist as he thought about how he let Michael moan someone else's name during sex, and he cringed at the memory. He wants to burn it. He wants to grab kerosene and douse the very sound of Michael moaning Luke's name before lighting it on fire. It's disgusting, and if he could turn time he'd slap himself before he ever even thinks of encouraging him.

"You know how you told me to either fuck or fight Michael?" He asked and she laughed at the question.

"I was kidding." She told him and he was silent. "Oh my god... what happened?"

He debates in telling her, on letting her know just how fragile and desperate he was to hold some piece of Michael that he took this and thought it was worth it. He's supposed to be strong, prideful, someone who takes nothing from no one, but he isn't. He's weak, pathetic, and he folds underneath the very weight he could bench press if he tried.

"We fought, at first," he started, unable to look at her. "- we still fight, actually, but now we have this sort of... friends with benefits thing going on. He said no feelings when he first proposed it, but he knows I have feelings for him already."

He knew now that Michael used his feelings to het what he wanted out of him. He should be mad, furious even, but he's not. He has no right to be really.

"Calum..." She trailed off sadly and he nodded. "Why would you do that to yourself?"

"Hell if I know!" He almost cried as he looked at himself in the black screen of her computer monitor. "I-I guess I just wanted him, any part of him that I could get. I thought once I had him I'd be sated but... but I'm not. It's worse."

He glared at his sleeves, fingers angrily yanking the zipper at the end back and forth. Maybe he'll break it. Maybe he'll break the zipper in revenge for Michael unknowingly breaking his heart. It's fair, right? Wrong. He can buy another jacket, Calum can't just buy another heart.

"Look! This is his stupid fucking jacket." He nearly shouted as he showed her the leather. "I meant to give it to him earlier when we met up but I can't take it off! I wear it like-like some kind of prize and I don't know why!"

"You know what you need to do." She advised and he rolled his eyes. "You need to stop and let him know you can't do this anymore."

"I know, but I can't. He'll think I'm a pussy. He'll think I can't handle it and he gets bragging rights. It's a game, don't you see? He wants to see if I'd break. He wants to see if I can help it." He ranted and then glared at the table. "He's playing me, playing us both, but mostly me. It's mental."

Michael won't hurt if Calum leaves. He could find any other boy to toy with. Calum doesn't have that luxury, not when his very touch lit him up like some kind of fire.