Absolution and Fragility

XXIII

Was I born with this insatiable appetite for destruction or was it created?

Lexi stood inches from her bedroom door minutes before she knew someone would come looking for her for the early morning workout. Multiple times over the course of the past thirty minutes she had reached for the knob, but still, she had no answer. All she had was a splitting headache and bags under her eyes from not being able to sleep. She felt as ragged as she probably looked.

It would be so easy for her to crawl back in bed with the excuse of a migraine. No one would bother her after the first person came to check on her. She could probably even shove her chair under the knob to keep anyone from trying. It'd probably work until Natalia had to bring her lunch, and she never neglected a duty.

Giving in, she opened the door and started down the hallway to the basement that had been renovated. This place was more like a workout center she had visited during her free time in the United States as opposed to what she had experienced in the past places. She liked this place more. It was neater, less open, and put a bit more distance between her and the others if that's what she preferred. And, this morning, it was her top priority.

Half way through her time on the elliptical, she realized she was performing subpar. It was actually catching attention and she knew why. In her time with them, she's never done anything halfway. Her performance had always been excruciatingly above average. It was something she had taken from training with her family, and she hadn't even given half her effort when things had been rough in the beginning. Lexi had always been tough and resilient.

But, dammit, her head was pounding and she couldn't keep her breathing steady. Sweat drenched her body and she felt truly awful. Maybe she was coming down with something without true exposure, but Lexi never fell ill.

A few more minutes went by and she decided to pull the plug. Her appearance had been made even if it was one that left something to be desired. Lexi grabbed a water from the cooler on her way out and made her way back to the room. All she needed was a hot bath and to sleep today off. That would help. There was no reason to get anyone worried about her anyways if she wasn't truly ill. It's probably just a headache.

As she reached her room, she immediately began stripping out of the sweat soaked clothes. Lexi was nude before reaching the bathroom and began drawing a bath before she downed the cold water in the water bottle. While the tub was filling, she took a second to look at herself in the mirror.

It took me twelve days to realize I would've ripped the world apart if you had been dead.

Lexi couldn't see in herself why he would want to do that. Her body was fit, curvy where it should be, and she was a bit shorter. Her fists were hard and palms calloused from fights she never wanted to lose, her reflexes were quicker than average from years of spent abuse she wouldn't be able to take back, her lips only pulled back to show sharpened teeth not to smile, and her eyes were full of rage and sadness as a result of the childhood that had been taken from her. The woman in the mirror had been raised to be chaotically savage to sustain a business that had no room for weakness. The two parts of her clashed and collided at all times until the monster that had burrowed inside of her as protection won. The young, pure girl that still clung to the light wanted to be more than all of this, but she would never.

And, Lexi couldn't see why he would have feelings for a monster such as herself when there were women like Isla and Jocelyn in the world – women with much less baggage. Theo didn't have to try and save them.

Her silver eyes clashed against her own in the mirror and she turned away in disgust to see out of the corner of her eye that the bath was finally full. She turned the tap off and slowly eased herself in the warm water. She brought the braid around to release it, to run her fingers through her thick, dark waves, and even began to massage her own temples.