Fidelity

19

19 | Maybe

August 12, 2017

R,
I miss you. Please, just unblock me. Talk to me.

-S

August 13, 2017

R,
I've been constantly checking if you're here at the bar. I'll wait for you here. Puntahan mo 'ko rito, let me explain.

-S

August 14, 2017

R,
I waited until the guards asked me to leave. I didn't even drink a single drop because I wanted to talk to you sober but I didn't see you.

I miss you terribly. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit pero desperado akong makita ka.

-S

August 15, 2017

Your silent treatment is killing me. I understand kung bakit ayaw mo 'ko makausap, but just tell me.

August 16, 2017

Nag-quit ka na rin sa fans club? Damn it. Talk to me.

August 17, 2017

R,

It's been almost a week. I'm not sure if my e-mails are coming through or if you already blocked me here. This is a long shot, but please play this video. May gig kami bukas sa Saguijo at tutugtugin ko 'to. Kahit hindi mo na 'ko kausapin, kahit panoorin mo na lang akong tumugtog ng kantang ginawa ko para sa 'yo.

One chance Renee. That's all I'm asking.

-S

maybe.mp4

I battled against myself to open the file. Papa's words kept me going, they gave me a whole new perspective and made me realize that I am loved with or without Shed. I admit I'm starting to be a stranger to myself for the past months pero sa mga sinabi sa akin ni Papa, naibalik ako sa realidad. Now, I see myself.

Maybe that was my reason to last this long without talking to him kahit na akala ko hindi ko kaya.

They say, the problem with putting others first is you've taught them you come last, and maybe that is true. Sinanay ko siyang narito lang ako para sa kan'ya, that I was ready to fix him at the expense of my well-being, that I gave him too much of me just to understand him. Nasanay siyang kaya kong magpakatatag kaya gan'on na lang din niya ako ihuli.

I was never a priority.

I gave excuses for everything that happened. I told myself that he was seeking for the love his family wasn't able to give him as a child, that he was trying to move on from someone who made him feel like he was unlovable and that he was so afraid of getting abandoned again. I gave excuses that I forgot about myself. I forgot that I was also afraid that he will never love me back.

I was actually happy at first. I was happy to let him know that I was here for him regardless, but then I got greedy. I wanted him to love me.

So I needed to stop, because that was one thing he can't give me. He's still in love with somebody else, at kahit na sinasampal ang katotohanang iyon sa akin, from the way his car smells, to the way his unit was arranged with her things in every corner, I still turned a blind eye. I still choose to believe that there was some hope. I was ambitious to think that he will soon fall for me.

I was sparing both of us from future heartbreaks when I walked away, pero bakit ngayon, bakit kailangan niya akong hilain pabalik sa kan'ya?

That big part of me that still loves him won, and in a second, I opened the video. Doon, nakita ko si Shed na inilapag ang kan'yang phone sa shelf sa kan'yang sala. Then he sat in front of the camera. He was wearing the black V-neck shirt I designed for the band.