32 | Deserve
Pinabayaan ko na lang ang kung anong mangyayari sa amin. I convinced myself that worrying is only making things worse for the both of us. I was leaving everything to fate.
So, every time nagsisimula na akong magalala, humihinga ako nang malalim. After all, what happens happens. We can't control it. What we can control is how we react to it.
Dumadalang na ang pag-te-text sa akin ni Shed dahil sa sobrang pagka-busy. They're releasing their music video soon and they're also preparing for the awarding night, at naiintindihan ko naman 'yon. When I entered this relationship, I know I need to support him in his endeavors.
But is he supporting you? A little devious voice whispered in my head. I shook my head slightly to ignore it.
Nakahalukipkip lang ako habang nakatitig sa TV dito sa loob ng restaurant. It was covering the awarding night at kahit na niyaya ako ni Shed to be his date, I know I still can't face the scrutiny of the public, lalong lalo na't ni hindi ko pa siya napapakilala kay Papa.
I want Papa to know it from me. And not from the news. Palagi na namin iyon pinaplano, but he's just so busy na kailangan naming ilipat nang ilipat. And now, he said he's going to pick me up after the awarding night, and maybe we'll try our luck.
"And the song of the year goes to..." One of the hosts opened the envelope he was holding and smiled widely. Everyone inside the restaurant turned their heads towards the TV para panoorin ang kaganapan.
"Serendipity," I prayed silently, clasping my hands together.
"Serendipity!" He announced. Some people inside the restaurant even clapped their hands.
Agad nag-zoom ang camera sa masasayang mukha ng banda. There I saw Thea in her flowing silver gown, deep V-neck revealing a lot of her skin and cleavage, straight hair, and sultry look. Inaalalayan siya ni Miguel habang naglalakad sila patungo sa entablado. Lahat sila ay nakangiti, ang mga mata ay kumikinang sa tuwa.
My heart was pounding fast against my chest at nangingilid ang luha sa mga mata ko, feeling nothing but great pride for them especially when I've seen them so low, and here they are now. Pakiramdam ko, kahit paano, parte nila ako.
"In behalf of Serendipity," Miguel said with his usual boyish grin. "I would like to thank all our fans for not giving up on us. To our manager, Ms. Gemma, to my bandmates, Shed, Oliver, Kurt, Felix. Thank you guys. It has been a tough year but here we are."
Slowly, he turned to look at Thea who was quietly standing beside him. "To Thea, for joining the band, I know you sacrificed a lot for this. We appreciate it. This is for you, for Serendipity."
I inhaled a sharp breath. A small part of me was hoping that they'd give me a special mention, too. But it doesn't matter. What's important is they're there in front of everyone, living the dream.
Lumapit si Miguel kay Thea para halikan ito sa pisngi pero humiyaw ang lahat nang humarap din si Thea and his lips crashed on hers. The camera zoomed in on them, both of their eyes wide open and shock was evident. Agad na umatras si Miguel and when the camera zoomed out again, I saw Shed walking away.
While Thea was looking at him.
It only took her a few seconds before she started walking away, too, in Shed's direction, following him. And my heart constricted seeing them like this, like it was an intimate moment and I am an intruder.
The rest of the band followed them until the camera focused on the hosts again.
Kinailangan kong hawakan ang dibdib ko para pakalmahin ito and I had to remind myself how to control my reaction.
Kinuha ko iyong cellphone sa bag ko and I started dialing his number, pero walang sumasagot. I tried again to no avail. I sighed before focusing back on my work.
•••
"Kanina ka pa nakatitig dyan ah."
Someone said while tapping the wooden table in front of me. Mula sa pagkakayuko ko sa cellphone ko ay nakita ko si Adam na nakangisi sa akin. He's wearing his usual coat and tie.
"Uh, yeah," I said awkwardly and shifted my position.
It's been two long hours and I haven't heard from Shed. Kanina ko pa nga tinititigan ang number ni Oliver, thinking if I should ask him what's happening.
In the end, tinext ko na lamang siya. I was left with no choice. I hated being in a gray area where wala akong alam kung ano ang nangyayari.
"You have plans tonight?" Adam spoke again, at doon ko lang muling naalala na kaharap ko pa pala siya. Binaba ko ang tingin sa kan'yang daliri, making a beat out of his tapping.
"Meron," I said absentmindedly while humming out of that beat mentally. I was only awoken in my hazy state when my phone vibrated. Sa nabasa ko pa lang sa notification bar ay bumagsak na ang puso ko. It was from Oliver.
Hi Renee, sorry pero may kausap pa kasi si Shed kaya hindi ata napapansin yung text mo. Sasabihan ko agad siya na nagtext ka pagkatapos.
Napanguso ako at bumuntong hininga. I didn't bother replying anymore.
"Wala na pala," I said, almost whispering because of the disappointment.
"Well, can I take you home?" Nag-angat ang isang kilay niya sa akin.
"Magpapasundo na lang ako sa driver," I said and started texting the driver. Pagkatapos non ay nilagay ko ang cellphone ko sa loob ng bag ko at inayos lahat ng nakakalat kong gamit sa mesa.
"That would take him another hour," he looked at his wrist watch and clicked his tongue.
"It's okay," I said, trying to dismiss him.
"Then, I'll keep you company," he said at nagulat ako nang tumayo siya, naglakad at umupo sa tabi ko. Gusto ko sanang sabihin sa kan'ya that I'm fine on my own, but I didn't want to sound rude especially that their family has been an acquaintance for years, kaya't hinayaan ko na lang siya roon.
"I must commend you for the way you handle these people," he said, looking at everyone inside the restaurant doing their normal routine during closing hours. "Nung nagsisimula pa lang ako, sobrang natatakot ako."
"Natatakot? Saan?" I asked out of courtesy.
"Na baka may magawa akong mali," he chuckled. "Alam mo na, ang daming nakapdepende sa 'yo. Nakakapressure."
Tumango na lang ako, not wanting to continue the conversation, most importantly, not knowing what else to answer. Adam is a really nice, intelligent, and good-looking guy, I'm sure he can do everything just fine.
Natigilan din siya saglit, pero ramdam kong mayroon pa siyang gustong sabihin.
"You know what, Renee Iver, I really adore you ever since we're teenagers," he started, and I felt like I froze on my seat. Wait, is he confessing to me right now? I mean, alam kong matagal na niya akong gusto, but him confirming this... I wasn't ready!
Ni hindi ako nakapag-isip ng dapat sabihin.
"But I was just too busy with everything. The responsibilities, I was still trying to get a hold of it. I guess I'm too late now?" He chuckled. "Ang tagal na rin kitang inoobserbahan, kahit nong opening ng restaurant. And I always... always see you disappointed."
I had to say something. I tried to search for anything from the deepest recesses of my brain, but I had none. Shit.
So I just remained awkwardly frozen on the spot.
"I just hate seeing you this way. If someone ditches you on a short notice, that means that person doesn't respect your time," he said.
Doon ko lamang siya hinarap. "Adam, thank you for your concern, pero ayos lang ako. Maybe kasi nakikita mo lang ako sa mga panahong malungkot ako, katulad ngayon, pero hindi naman ito madalas nangyayari. I'm happy."
"I sure hope you are, Renee. You know what they say, we accept the love we think we deserve. But know that you deserve more."
Tumango ako at kinuha muli ang cellphone ko para tawagan ang driver. I was starting to become uncomfortable with where our conversation was heading. Hindi naman kasi nila naiintindihan... Hindi nila alam iyong kasiyahan na dinudulot sa akin ni Shed, the way he inspires me to be a better musician is enough for me to stay. He awoken what was once a dead passion inside me. The least I can do is support him.
That was something they can never understand.
Lalo lang akong nanlamig nang may marinig akong pamilyar na boses sa likuran namin.
"R," Shed's voice was full of authority.
Sabay kaming napatingin ni Adam sa pinanggalingan ng boses and there I saw him clenching his jaw. Tumayo naman agad si Adam and gave way to me para madaluhan ko agad si Shed.
But his eyes remained locked on Adam, like he was his prey. I already saw this look, a dozen times before, and I know that one bad move will ruin everything.
Kaya agad akong pumagitna sa kanilang dalawa. They were of the same built kaya lalo akong natakot sa lalim ng titig ni Shed sa kan'ya.
"Adam, p're," inabot ni Adam ang kamay niya kay Shed, not intimidated even a bit, at sinusuklian niya pa ito ng mapanuksong ngisi.
"Shed," matigas niyang sambit at mahigpit ang pagkakahawak sa kamay ni Adam. "Boyfriend ni Renee."
Tumango lang si Adam, looking at him from head to toe as if sizing him up, too. Shit. Ni walang bumibitaw ng kamay! Kung hindi ko pa kinuha ang kamay ni Shed na parang bibiyakin na ang kamay ni Adam ay hindi pa niya ako tititigan. His face is red but his jaw is clenched.
"Thank you for keeping me company, Adam. Aalis na kami," I said apologetically. But he wasn't backing down either.
"It's alright. Don't forget about what I said," nakapamulsa lamang siya. Tinapunan niya muli ng titig si Shed, a threatening look, before walking away. Pinanood lamang namin siya hanggang sa tuluyan na siyang nakalabas ng restaurant.
Then, I dragged Shed out of that place. Ramdam ko ang lamig ng kan'yang presensya lalo na nang sabayan ito ng simoy ng hangin. Nang makarating kami sa sasakyan niya, he obediently opened the door for me. Napangiwi ako nang makaamoy ng malakas na pabango sa loob , kumakapit kahit sa seat covers.
And I know this scent too well.
It was Thea's. She's been here. On the same seat where I am sitting.
That fact alone was starting to bring tears in my eyes.
