New Morning | A Kpop Idol Life Story

11. Don't Let Them See

~ September 2nd, Friday ~

My eyes looked puffy and my head was heavy and felt like it was full of cotton swabs. I didn't even remember falling asleep after the practice in early morning. Well, it was only about three hours of rest anyways. To hide my awful condition I wore sunglasses and a black mask even though it was a dark fall morning. I arrived at the broadcasting station alone this time, I wasn't exactly sure where the rest were. There were enthusiastic fans screaming outside and I was happy I had chosen my accessories smartly when they started taking close to thousand of pictures of me. After seeing the comments yesterday I didn't want to cause commotion by looking like I had been crying all night (which I luckily didn't do).

– How are you feeling? Yeongja asked when she saw me walk into the dressing room.

– Like I have been beaten up, I answered sharply, and she nodded slowly when I removed the sunglasses. I hadn't had the motivation to put on any makeup either.

– I presume you didn't sleep that well? Yeongja smiled sympathetically when I just laughed dryly. I was too tired to think of something smart to say, it was only 8 o'clock and I simply couldn't switch my brain into Korean at that hour.

The preparations for our first broadcast comeback weren't that bad, thanks to the vigorous schedule back in early Spring. This time I had some time to take quick naps in between camera rehearsal, wardrobe and makeup. However, in the afternoon I was still feeling like someone was kicking me on the head. Sure, I had had some awfully exhausting periods from straining myself too much but this was different from it, now I had to stress about my public image, too. I couldn't look tired in front of others, that's what Mr. Park and the others kept saying. Therefore I tried to stay away from any cameras and if I had to take photos I made sure the lighting made me look a little more presentable.

After lunch we were hanging out in the greenroom. I had been given pain killers to survive the headache and it was more than needed because everyone in the greenroom was feeling way too happy and energetic. Yeongja and Hyejin were currently filming themselves, talking to the camera about how preparing for the comeback had been like. I was on my phone, sending a few messages to my parents and friends back home. This was my fourth year in Korea and I hadn't been able to visit my country since Christmas 2014. Fortunately, I was promised a short five day holiday starting the 26th of December this year and I would finally see my family again. While I was writing a reply to one of my friends I received a message from someone I didn't know. Username eun_ha29 had a profile picture of a girl with a funny smile. I figured out it was Marigold's Eunha, so I opened the chat.

"How's the music show? The variety show is on TV tonight, as well. I look forward to seeing you in TV!"

It might have been that Haneul's bold advice of ignoring Eunha's comments on the hate I had received but for some reason I was immediately thrown off guard, as if she would destroy my entire life with just a snap of her fingers. Should I even answer?

– Maybe we should warm up, the broadcast starts in an hour, Jiwoo suggested and the others agreed. The timing couldn't be worse for me.

– Just a second, I'll get myself some water, I cleared my throat and quickly ran to the water dispenser in the corner of the greenroom to fetch a cup of cool water. I didn't look at my phone anymore, but the events of the past two or three days surfaced in my mind, making my toes and fingers cold in anxiety.

– (First Name)! Get in here!

I blinked a few times, not reacting right after hearing my name. I took a few quicker steps back to the couch, where my members were standing in a neat line, still in the greenroom. I thought we were supposed to start opening up our voices. In front of them stood eight young men, with Hyeonwoo in the center. My head was suddenly filled with sirens, as if telling me not to even show my face near him.

– (First Name)? Jiwoo asked and turned around to see if I was coming. I didn't want to cause trouble but I would cause even more scandals by not greeting a fellow band, even though they were our juniors.

– Um, sorry, I ran next to Haneul, keeping my face down in embarrassment.

Silk Waves did their greeting first, charming, energetic smiles on their faces. I looked at everyone but Hyeonwoo, but I could see him trying to lock eyes with me. Hyejin and Jiwoo were having some small talk with the boys, and they were clearly going to tease me, as well.

– (First Name) and Hyeonwoo are friends, am I right? Hyejin wondered out loud, sneakily flashing me a grin. Oh boy, is she trying to get me into trouble?

– Ah, yes, we met when we were trainees, Hyeonwoo answered formally, but smiled warmly.

– We haven't been in contact for a while but I'm glad to see she's doing well.

I had raised my eyes from my shoes and when he looked at me I felt my heart skip a beat.

– She's acting awfully shy now, but she has been talking about you, Haneul joined Hyejin's scheme.

– I'm not acting shy! I defended myself, feeling my cheeks get hot, but the rest just laughed. One of boys even called me cute.

Hyeonwoo tried to hide it, but he was clearly laughing. I sighed and looked away, dozens of feelings swirling inside me. Yeongja was probably the most emotionally sensitive and noticed my anxiousness.

– Excuse us, we have somewhere to be, she said and gently pulled me aside, leaving the others minding their own business.

– Are you okay? she asked me when we were alone in a less busy hallway.

– I... I don't know, I answered. I was somehow relieved to escape the situation but something still made me want to go back.

– It's just that... I haven't seen him in a long time and now he's here and he's an idol like me and I don't know what to think about it. He's a man so I can't just hang out with him like nothing but I'm not sure if he gets it and we will be fired if something gets out.

Yeongja placed her hands on my both shoulders, and tried to calm me down.

– Shh, it's okay. Nothing will get out in the public. There are a lot of male-female friendships in the industry and you two won't be a problem. Take it slow and most importantly, listen to your heart.

– My heart is beating so much I can't make up what it's telling me, I answered, to which Yeongja sighed.

– I think that is a sign of something on its own, she looked me in the eyes and pulled her hands back.

– C'mon, let's warm up before the show starts, okay?

I nodded.