Art Deco {Cherry Wine Sequel}

four

The day settled heavily over me, like a hundred-pound cape. I stayed in my hiding place, barely strong enough to keep myself upright. It was not physical weakness that kept me sitting there, but the emotional toll of first Lex's-and then Carlisle's- words.

Every so often, a fish flashed silver under the surface. Everything here felt alive, brimming over with light. Even the colours were more vibrant, the sun a bronze cast twin of itself.

Lex found me in the early afternoon. I'd wondered if he would search for me, try to explain himself. Carlisle had probably reported back to him. His loyalty was to Lex first.

Lex didn't say anything. He sat next to me, less than a foot away. His eyes were rimmed in red.

"Did I ever tell you why I broke up with Bianca?" Lex asked.

"I'm not in the mood to hear about another one of your conquests." There was no bitterness in my tone, just resignation.

"I met her at a fundraiser." Lex continued, ignoring me. "Everyone warned me about getting involved with her. No one seemed to be able to give me a reason why."

"Could have been because she's homicidal and willing to torture people to get what she wants." Without thinking, I brushed a hand over my damaged ribs, over my shirt.

Lex had a faraway look in his eyes. "We dated for two years, And then one day I answered a call on her phone. She swore up and down it was a work friend." He shrugged. "I knew it wasn't. I broke up with her two weeks later. I couldn't live with that constant suspicion."

"If this is supposed to make me feel better, it's really not working."

Lex laughed. "It's not. I know what I did was wrong. I know what it feels like."

I turned to face him, eyes blazing. "Do you, Lex? You had friends, a life. All I have is you, and now I don't even really have you anymore." His face became blurred as my eyes filled with angry tears. "I don't want to lose you, too."

Lex raised a hand, dropped it, ducked his head. "If I could take it all back-" Footsteps echoed around the deck, and he paused. "I can't, I know I can't. If nothing else, I want you to know it will never happen again. This wasn't a failing on your part. I never want you to think that."

There was a dark rasp to his voice. I imagined him answering that call on Bianca's phone, finding out about her infidelity. Had he blamed himself? At the very least, I knew Lex's unfaithfulness had not been premeditated. It had been a result of loss, the way our love was. When I was grieving my parents, I had turned to the one source of warmth I had. When Lex was grieving me, he hadn't even had that.

Don't hold him to a standard you yourself could not reach.

I turned back to the ocean. We sat in silence for a long time, watching clouds build and break apart on the horizon. The sky became overcast, an autumn wind ruffling my hair.

"Okay." I said, eventually.

Lex looked sharply at me. "Okay?"

"I won't pretend it doesn't hurt, Lex. But we can't change our actions any more than we can control the weather." I pointed at the heavy grey sky. "The only thing we can do is make sure we become better."

Lex opened his arms. I hesitated, and then allowed him to wrap me in a hug. "Carlisle's rubbed off on you." He said. "Him and his philosophy."

I huffed a laugh, and then pulled away, so I was looking him straight in the eye. "I'm going to need space, just for a while." I said seriously. "It's not all because..." I trailed off, unwilling to finish the thought.

"You take as much time as you need." Lex said.

"No, Lex, it's not all you. The coma, all that time-I need to find myself again." I couldn't make my thoughts come out in an orderly way. "I lived a whole life while I was unconscious. I need to remember what is real and what isn't."

It was the first I had spoken about the other life. It had felt so real, so vivid. I had lived and died, over and over. I was still untangling this life from those. They were skeins of the same wool, and I had to pull them apart, piece by piece.

"I'm real." Lex took my hand in his, placed it over his heart. "Do you feel that?"

His heart beat against my palm, fluttering unsteadily. In all the dreams, the false lives, his heart had always been steady. It had always beat perfectly in time with mine. This, here and now, with the wild bird-wing pouding, it felt real.

I drew my hand back, wary, suddenly, of his touch. Lex let it go, and shut his eyes, nodding.

"I just." I didn't finish the sentence. There was no point. He already knew. I needed time. I needed space. The refrains were getting old, even to me. "What else did you do when I was...away?"  I asked casually.

Lex shifted, so we weren't quite touching. "We spent a few weeks in the Greek islands while Interpol looked for me. Venice for a while, and then here. I haven't been able to do anything useful." He blew out an exasperated breath. "When the heat dies down, I'll be able to get back to work, but until then..."

It hadn't just been me he mourned, then. The death of his business was costing him-emotionally, not financially. We had both lost so much.

"Benji told me the nightmares are back."

I looked up sharply. Lex's tone was neutral, and he kept his gaze out on the horizon.

"They are." I confirmed. "Not as bad as they were." I held out my arms. Save for a burn scar, there were no wounds, nothing like the claw marks I had endured before.

"I'll leave my door unlocked, if you need me." He stood. "Remember that I never meant to hurt you."

I didn't respond, and watched as he went back inside, the door clicking behind him. It was the second time he had mentioned locking his door, He had never done it before at home. Was it a result of the long months in hiding that he did it now?

My heart ached for both of us. This was not the reunion I imagined. The four months apart had changed us irrevocably. Neither of us was the same person we had been.

Whether these new people were still in love was not a question. Whether or not we could fight through this, make it last again-for that, I had no answer.