Life Flashes

fourteen months and twenty-one days before

Fourteen months and twenty-one days before the call, Ben turned fifteen. Ben always hated that his birthday was on Christmas Eve for some reason and never wanted to have any kind of celebration, Christmas, birthday, or otherwise, but Mom never listened. That Christmas, she was in one of her rare almost-functional-human-being moods where she would actually get up out of bed and interact with her children.

I was home for the holidays, already regretting my decision to attend college after only a single semester. My cousin, Ava, had driven down from Washington to help Ben take care of Mom, but it still wasn't enough for me. I'd been her caretaker for close to four years and as much as it took out of me, it was my life now. I couldn't even remember Mom before. I kept telling myself that I needed to be the one to take care of her because I loved her, because I knew her the best.

I watched Ben struggle to put tinsel on the Christmas tree, silver shreds of it drifting listlessly to the carpet. Ava was with Mom in the kitchen and she'd kicked me out of the room to go enjoy myself! Hang out with my little brother! Mom had given me an encouraging smile that had my insides flop around. Excitement to see her up and about? Confusion on how to take encouragement from someone I'd been taking care of for like half a decade? Annoyance that she could act like nothing was weird about this situation? Probably all of the above.

Ben knocked an ornament off the tree but managed to catch it before it shattered. He saw me standing there and frowned.

"Why don't you come help me instead of sulking in the background?" He turned back to the tree.

"I'm gonna quit school," I said suddenly. Ben sighed into the tree.

"No, you're not. Ava and I can take care of Mom. Stop being dramatic."

"Ava works when you're not in school, Ben. Which means sometimes it'll all be on you."

Ben gave up on the tinsel and dusted off his hands. "Okay, look, I know I haven't been super great since Grandma Peggy..." He trailed off for a moment and his eyes were a million miles away. I shifted uncomfortably. I'd always been so focused on Mom that I'd missed Ben's suffering even though it had been right in front of me. I'd forgotten my one rule: protect Ben. Did I even still know how?

Ben cleared his throat and shook his head once. "Well, I know I've been shitty. I had a lot going on. We all did. But I'm getting better now!" He gave me a big grin. "Me and Ava can totally take care of Mom so you don't have to worry."

There's so many moments in my life that I wish I could just freeze-frame. Just stop time and take a step back. There are so many moments when it's like my brain short-circuits and I can't even tell what emotions are flying through my mind and I feel like I might explode. Even now, looking back, I can't tell you exactly what I was thinking. I can only guess.

Ben was growing up, maturing, becoming a functional human being, and, in a way, I'd missed it. All my time and energy had been spent on our mom that I'd missed my little brother start turning his life around and I didn't know how I felt about that. I think I was caught in between guilt for failing to look after him and desperation at the prospect of losing my job as Mom's caretaker. It wasn't like I wanted my mom to be depressed. It's like I said before: taking care of her had become my life, had become all I knew.

However, back then, I told myself that I was trying to protect Ben from having to deal with Mom and her bouts of rage and comatose depression because I was his big sister and I'd neglected him for too long. So I reverted into condescending big sister mode which was definitely counterproductive.

"Fuck that. You can't do shit," I scoffed and Ben's eyebrows shot up.

"Excuse me?"

"Just shut up, Ben. You can't do this. You can't take care of Mom. You're like fifteen. I am eighteen. It should be up to me. You can't handle it."

Ben's mouth fell open. "Dude, what the hell? Where's all this bitchiness coming from?"

"Bitchiness?" I practically snarled, swelling up like a balloon. Condescending big sister was quickly becoming unnecessarily angry asshole but I didn't stop it. I knew it was wrong. I knew my anger was relatively unfounded, but I didn't nothing. Well actually, I did do something. I welcomed it with open arms. It was like every emotion I'd been pushing away since Grandma Peggy came rushing out at Ben. "You have the fucking audacity to call me a bitch?" I gave a little crazy sounding laugh, or rather a cackle. "Well, better a bitch than a washed out drunk by fifteen!"

"What the hell?" Ben yelled, his grins of earlier a distant memory. Tension was etched into every line of his body and he seemed to be wrestling with hurt and fury. "What the hell is your problem? How the hell do you know who I am? You were always upstairs with Mom!"

"Well, someone had to be! I didn't see you up there!" I snapped back, anger buzzing in my ears.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Ben looked ready to kick over the Christmas tree but his eyes were glistening.

"Obviously a lot of things!" I screeched. "I've had to take care of my mom for like four years and my little brother's been out getting drunk and stoned every chance he gets. And now you're ready to take care of her? What the fuck makes you think you can just magically turn your life around? This is my job!"

"Your job?" Ben took a step towards me and the ornament he still had in his hand shattered. I leapt back with a surprised squeak and we both stared at his hand for a moment. Blood had begun dripping through his fingers. My chest was heaving and the anger had started to dissipate. I felt almost lightheaded and my face was burning with guilt at what I'd said to him. Why couldn't I just say what I meant like a normal person instead of losing my mind? "Taking care of Mom isn't your job, Nessa," Ben said quietly.

"What in the fuck is going on in there?' Ava rounded the corner, eyes blazing, but neither one of us payed her any attention.

"Ben--" I reached out a tentative hand to him, but he shook his head and shoved past me. I immediately bristled. "You can't just walk away! Get back here!" He ignored me as he went up the stairs. "Fine! Whatever! Real mature, Ben!" I shouted after him. "Just stomp away!"

I heard his bedroom door slam and I had to sit down.

"Nessa?" Ava started towards me, looking concerned.

I let out a short laugh. After all that, I realized that I was done with it all. If I stayed in that house any longer, I would go insane. Better to do what I always did and avoid the problem until it went away.

Ben and I exchanged curt goodbyes when I left for school again. I considered apologizing for my stupid outburst and forcing myself to explain what was happening with me even though I didn't quite understand it myself, but I saw his closed off, angry face and the bandages on his hand, and the words turned to lead in my throat.