Life Flashes

The Call

The call was at 6:24pm on March 18th. I was busy staring at the ceiling but Patrick Wu nudged me again. The call was from Trinity. Her profile picture took up my phone screen, a grainy photo of her sticking out her tongue, sunshine illuminating her cheery face. I still felt the whiskey in my stomach and Trinity's eyes on me, but back then, I was still trying to convince myself that I wasn't out of control.

"It's my roommate. She must need help with something. I should take it," I told Patrick Wu. He didn't care but he smiled anyways. Like I said, he was always nice.

I answered the phone as I made my way out of the room, ignoring my professor's stony glare. There was silence on the line until I got outside and the door slammed shut behind me, the sound echoing across the courtyard, and then Trinity said in a watery voice:

"Nessa?"

I could hear her tears, catching in her throat, constricting her words. I pushed away the memory of her eyes boring into me as I chugged Jack Daniels and hunched up my shoulders as a burst of icy wind blew through my jacket.

"Trinity. What's wrong? Are you crying?"

She took a wavering breath, ragged and deep. "Ava tried to get ahold of you."

"I was in class." It wasn't that I didn't care about Trinity and her tears; I was just suddenly bored of it all: the caring, the listening, the comforting. The only reason I was still on the phone with her was because I was determined that I had to care. The real reason was I had a morbid curiosity about what had happened.

"Something's happened in your hometown, Nessa." Trinity was having trouble talking. Her voice was thick and whispery like she couldn't bare to speak normally. "Oh fuck," she said suddenly, shrill. "I can't, seriously, I can't, Nessa, I'm so fucking sorry. I don't think I'm strong enough to be the one to tell you. Ava should be the one to tell you."

Immediately, I knew. My mother is dead. I made a pained sound when I realized that I had no tears. I felt dry, empty. I put a hand against the brick wall of the building.

"Trinity." My voice was surprisingly steady.

Trinity sucked in a breath. I could feel her trying to force down her sobs. Just tell me. My mother's dead. I already know it. Just say the words. "There was an accident."

I scrunched up my face, covering a disbelieving laugh with my free hand. An accident? Is that what they call suicides now? "Okay," I said. Get on with it. I'd been so concentrated on my own thoughts that I hadn't realized Trinity had still been talking. She stopped and the silence hung between us. I felt uncomfortable hearing her sniffle wetly into the phone. How could she cry for my mother when I couldn't?

"A car accident. On the road by your house." Trinity had to stop again, compose herself.

Suddenly, I was slowly bending over like my upper body was starting to stop functioning.

"My mom doesn't drive," I told her. My voice was strained and went up an octave on the last word. Mom doesn't drive. Mom doesn't drive. There must be a mistake. It's not her. Something like relief was building up inside of me but it still felt like there was a desert inside me, vast, dry, dead. Could I be relieved she was alive if I hadn't been upset that she had died?

"Your mom?" Trinity asked. Her confusion was so great that she stopped crying for a moment. "Nessa, what are you talking about?"

I frowned at my hand on the wall. I hadn't been expecting this response. "Well, tell me what the fuck is going on then please. Just fucking spit it out." She didn't answer and I hit the bricks with the heel of my hand, gritting my teeth as pain lanced through my bones. "C'mon! Fucking say something! Why the fuck are you making me guess?"

"Nessa." Trinity was crying now, loudly, sucking in short breaths. Her sobs made me want to throw my phone. "It's Ben," she finally managed to say through her tears.

The world seemed to fracture slightly. Everything was frozen in time. I blinked a couple times. Someone walking by looked at me and I stared back. It felt like my brain was slowly grinding to a halt.

"Which hospital is he at?" I was calm. He could overcome anything. He'd grown up these past few years but I'd been too selfish. I should've told him the truth, that I needed Mom to need me, that it wasn't about him. This was a second chance, a wake up call. I would tell him everything. I'd finally apologize and hope to God he forgave me.

"Oh, Nessa," Trinity whispered roughly into the phone. "He was on his skateboard."

I pulled the phone away from my ear and looked at it. Then I put it back against my ear. "Oh."

"Nessa? Did you hear me?"

I watched a flock of seagulls flap overhead. My heart felt tight and like it was trying to float out of my chest.

"Nessa."

I let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding in a painful rush and hung up on her.