The Lawyer (boyXboy)

I'm Not Perfect - Jack

Sunday is a fairly uneventful day. The kids and I spend it at home, Maddi on the couch watching cartoons, Noah still locked in his room grudgingly finishing his paper, and me doing some busy work around the house, trying to make sure it's cleaned, and I've got some meals prepared to take with me for lunch during the work week.

Andrea comes to get the kids around seven as usual, and though I think she's still pissed about Maddi's arm – according to our argument on the phone when I got home last night, she thinks I wasn't watching her close enough – she doesn't mention anything in front of the kids. At least, not out loud. Her eyes speak volumes despite her lips never moving. A very Andrea thing.

The next morning, I wake up grinning like a fool, and already buzzing with excitement over my date with Killian. Usually, I really enjoy working, but not today. Today, I spend my entire work day feeling like every hour is dragging on forever, until that clock above my door finally hits five and I'm able to call it quits for the day.

"Leaving early tonight, Jack?" Mike, one of the other lawyers who works for my firm asks, seeming surprised as he exits his own office just down from mine. I don't usually leave so promptly if I don't have my kids to go home to, so this is definitely new.

"Yes, I have a...dinner engagement." I tell him, not really sure why I chose to elaborate past a simple yes.

"Ah, she must be some woman if she can get you out of here early on a Monday night." He jests.

I just force a smile.

The people I work with here all know I'm divorced. It was nothing I explicitly told them, but when I suddenly stopped wearing my wedding ring, and Andrea's picture disappeared from my desk, they sort of put it together.

They know I'm divorced, but they don't know why. They don't know it's because I'm gay. And...I don't know. Maybe it's just because I'm from an older generation, but I've never felt compelled to tell them either. It's just not who I am as a person. I'm quiet, and I'm quite private about my personal life.

But as I ride down to the parking garage in the elevator with Mike, trying to make small talk, I find myself growing increasingly more annoyed with each passing second as I stew. Not at him, of course, because I was married to a woman before, so why wouldn't he assume I'd be dating one now? I'm annoyed with myself.

Do I feel ashamed to be dating a man? Is that why I don't want to tell anyone? Am I ashamed of being gay? I never thought I was, but what other explanation is there for my silence? Why else other than I feel like I can't say anything for fear that they'll judge me, or think different of me, or treat me different once they find out I like men.

How can I have been out for three years, and just now be figuring this out? Because you've only just now started dating a man. I realize. I've allowed myself to think I was comfortable being me, because I didn't have to tell anyone. I mean, my family knows, and my ex-wife, and my kids know, but...that's it. I've never told anyone outside of them, and I was content with not doing so.

But now...now I may have to tell others. Or at least, others are going to find out. People in my professional life are going to find out, and...I guess I'm realizing I'm really not comfortable with that. I don't want them to know, or I'm scared of them knowing, and that sours my previous excitement a little.

***

When I arrive at Killian's apartment, I find a parking space nearby and try to use to walk up to his building to pull myself together. Because I'm still rather irritated with myself for my issues with people – well, people I know, at least - finding out about Killian and I.