vanoss crew one shot! banana bus!

Vanoss- You're safe

I could feel it. My heart is being torn out of my chest and torn into shreds before softly falling to the ground. I love him with all of my heart and yet some of his comments hurt so much. I can't help but become depressed or feel the need to cry. The saddest part is the fact that he has no idea how suicidal I am. I have never told him about it and I never want him to find out about it. I will do everything in my power to smile and pretend to be happy for his sake.

I softly sigh as I sit on my couch. My mind was racing about all of my life mistakes and regrets. I looked down at my stomach and immediately began to hate myself all over again. Why did I have to be plus size? Why did I become so fat? My mind wouldn't stop racing. I got up and went to get my phone from my room. I unlocked my phone and scrolled through facebook to distract me, which has failed. All of my friends or Evans friends were so skinny. Skin and bones, unlike me. I hated being weighed because I was always around 235 pounds. Most of the fat collected in my stomach or thighs. Everyone says that plus size girls are beautiful in their own way, yet I never feel beautiful, pretty, hot, sexy or cute. I just feel like I am a waste of space and air. I'm not worth it. I sigh as my phone start to vibrate, Evan was calling. I hesitated for a moment before picking up.

M: hello?

E; hey baby girl! How are you today?

M: I'm doing really good! How about you?

I lied and forced a smile onto my face, even though I knew it was fake. A broken smile.

E: Pretty good! I got a really big bonus at work and wanted to take you out for a date tomorrow if you weren't busy. You up for it?

M:sure I would love to go! I am actually sorta busy right now. Is it okay if I call you back later?

E: of course! I'll talk to you later baby doll

With that, we both hung up the phone. My stomach just turned as I put my phone down. I got up and looked at the mirror. "So pitiful" I mumbled as I criticize my own body, hating every single part of me. The only thing that I liked about myself was my eyes and sometimes my hair if that. Besides that, I honestly hate myself. My weight, my laugh, how I think, my fears, everything. I hate myself with such a burning passion yet I couldn't tell anyone. I always had to be happy and positive for everyone. I didn't have a choice. While growing up with Evan and all of my friends, I was always the happy and positive one. It became a standard over time and expected from me. I always had to work so hard to keep it up when internally I felt like I was dying.

Over time it became harder and harder to be myself, to make decisions and just to even voice my opinion. I don't think my opinions really matter and I don't want to have an opinion at all at this point. All that I can think about is closing my eyes and never opening them again. I crave for that moment so much and yet I know I can't do that. Everyone claims that I am not alone with this but at the same time, it feels like no one cares to help or notice my small cries for help. When they say that I am not alone with this, they leave me or abandon me, just making it worse. It is like they go unnoticed or even ignored. I will call myself stupid, retarded and a moron, fully believing it. Most people laugh like its a joke and I just laugh along side them. I began to pace around for a little while before stopping. My eyes landed on an old friend of mine. A little blade that I took off a pencil sharpener. I know I promised Evan I wouldn't cut myself anymore but it is getting so hard to keep that promise. He would be so upset if I cut myself again and the hard part is that I can't cut anywhere on my body because he has eyes like a flipping owl or hawk!! I take a deep breath as my hand hovers over the small blade.

It is so hard. I just want to end it all so much and for so long. Last time I told someone that I was suicidal like this, they told me to stop being so overdramatic and that I was being so selfish. They also mentioned that I should be thinking of others more and be more happy and positive. That just crushed me internally because they obviously don't understand. I picked up the little blade. And just stared at it. I quickly turned and grabbed my purse and went outside, the little blade in my hand. I know cutting myself seems dramatic but its a way for me to know that I am alive and I bleed like the others. I'm not just an empty shell like how I feel. I feel like this all of the time. There are moments when I am around Evan when it goes away. It seems to go away for a while but it soon comes crawling back though, suffocating me.

I continue to walk down the street and stopped at an empty park. I sat on one of the swings and looks down at my scars on my arm and the little blade in the other. It amazed me how such a little thing has left such a long lasting mark. I moved the little blade over my arm and softly press down, when I knew I broke the skin and made a small cut. I made it so it would look like a scratch so I can claim it was just a scratch, when in reality it isn't. I kept looking around the park to make sure no one was around. I soon got curious and moved the little blade to my neck. I took a deep breath and held it for a moment. I quickly move the blade away and began to cry.

" I can't do anything right! I never win at anything and I'm never smart enough! I cant even fucking kill myself!" I cried as i slide off the swing and just holds myself on the ground, becoming a sobbing mess. I soon felt a soft hand on my back before feeling the arms wrap around me. I didn't bother to look up until I heard Evans voice "Thank you for not killing yourself. I am sorry you hurt yourself and I wasn't there for you. I am here for you though. We can get through this together. I love you so much" He softly whispered into my ear. He moved slowly and gently took my arm. He examined the little cut before kissing the little cut and each of my scars. Evan slowly turned his attention to me and slowly wiped away the tears on my face, careful to not make any sudden movements. Evan pulled me into a tight hug, yet not too tight. All I could do was cry into his chest. I just sobbed for a while. His large hand softly glided up and down my back, slowly calming be down.

He knew my family and knew all of the struggles I went through. He knows a lot about my life. He has shown me his scars. He successfully stopped cutting himself, yet I can't stop myself. For me, it helps even though I know there are other ways. They just seem to work for a little while then stop. My eyes were closed shut as my mind goes blank while I stay in his arms, never wanting to leave. His voice softly rang in my ears as he softly spoke "Everything will be okay. Your safe now. I'm here. Your safe. Its okay, your safe". I calm down from his words as I began to feel safe again. I wipe the tears away from my eyes. He looked at me and softly smiled as he wiped a tear away "you are amazing and my whole world. Please, don't take my world and the love of my life away. I love you so much" he said with a small smile. His words mean the world to me as I couldn't help but smile and nod while letting off a little giggle. He smiled brighter as he pulls me in for another hug before taking my arm. He put pressure on my arm to try and lessen the bleeding. He held my arm as we walked to his house. He is my whole world and I am his.