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Annonymous

" Since 5 years ago I've been depressed. Of course there were up and downs. One time it isn't as bad as the other. It's just that my life's so messed up and I wonder how I've kept it all together so far.

The first 3 years I was just depressed. I don't know what triggered it, but it just came. I started keeping all my feelings inside. Everybody's judging each other on everything, even how they feel. So I just kept it all inside, hoping they won't judge me. But of course there were also bad feelings I kept inside. And the feeling just spread, like a disease. Until it took over and I just couldn't be happy anymore. I acted like I was happy, but I couldn't possibly be. And of course there were some ups, when everything wasn't as bad as usual, but these moments left as quick as they came.

And because I felt so bad, I needed someone to talk to. I always knew talking would help. But there was no one. No friends I could trust. No family I could trust. I had no one to talk to. And when I realized, I started searching for something else. And as almost every depressed person does, I started harming myself. It began with just bruising myself. And because my body's weak I got injuries real fast. Then I found out about the pencil sharpener thing. The little sharp knife. And there we razor blades and glass. I tested what was the sharpest and I just destructed my whole body, not thinking about the consequences. About going on vacation with my parents and go swimming with them. And even if the wounds would've healed by then, there were still scars. But I just couldn't stop doing it, it felt so good. Like a drug. Until I got another drug. The worst of all. A boyfriend. He almost knew from the beginning about the self-harm. He got mad. And that's when I promised him I wouldn't do it ever again.
The relationship lasted for 1,5 years. And lets just say, he broke me. After he broke up with me, I started writing about the whole relationship and I started realizing that it was just so exhausting being with him. People always say that love is blind. Well, it is. I loved him so much, I'd do anything for him.
After 2 months we started arguing more. And we just got into so many fights. I was not doing very well and he got mad. I just wanted him to understand how I was feeling. But he got mad and everytime we were in a fight, there had to be someone to blame. And of course it was me. But I never intended to get into these fights. I never got angry at him. And still I always had to say 'I'm sorry'. It was always my fault. And it made me feel so bad. But I didn't see it was wrong that he made me feel this way.

He made me feel so bad that my mind blocked out the memories. I lost something like 8 or 9 months of my life. Not just the memories with him disappeared. Every other memory is gone. The ones with my friends or family. It's all blocked and I don't know if I'll ever get these memories back. And it bothers me. A lot. I hate not knowing what exactly happened with that boyfriend and I hate not remembering the good times with my friends.

But I wrote about the whole relationship. And if I can trust myself, I still know what happened. I just don't remember it. This is exactly what I wrote: ''After a year and 5 months he lost his temper. He started taking his clothes off and then mine. I said no. I said stop. He just didn't listen and somehow I let it happen. After a little fight. But still, I gave up. And I shouldn't have. It hurt so much. Mentally and physically. My whole body was paralyzed. This happened one more time and then a week later he broke up with me. He said his feelings for me slowly faded. Which probably means: The sex wasn't good enough. How fucked up is that?''

Well, I agree with myself, that's pretty fucked up. And I hate not knowing how it happened.
I know that I wanted to wait. I didn't want to do sexual stuff yet. I didn't need it and I just felt like it would complicate the relationship. And I have to admit, he was patient. A year and 5 months is a long time. But he lost his temper. And that's just unforgivable. If he really loved me, he would've waited.

And now I'm just glad the relationship ended. It was too complicated and exhausting. He changed me a lot. In a bad way. The way I deal with my feelings is changed. But that's too hard to explain.

And right now my life's still a mess. My parents are treating me like shit and school is just like hell. I only go to school once a week, but sometimes I just have to skip because somehow I'm too scared to go. But when I skip I can't stay home. So I just have to waste an entire day being somewhere else. There's only a few positive things right now: I have I nice job at a bakery, I have some nice friends (which can be pretty annoying sometimes) and I have a lot of free time. I can just do whatever I like.

And there's the problems which are keeping me from doing whatever I like. There's insomnia, a lot of (social) anxiety, disorders. It's just all fucked up.

Well, that's the short version of my story.. Although, it's not that short.. Whoops."

~ Anonymous

15/1/18

A/N

Another story worth being told. Thank you so much for being brave and for sharing your story out. Where there is depression and anxiety, there are other problems to exist as well which include toxic relationships which are problem faced by many. Also consent for sexual intercourse is a necessary. It's not rude or whatsoever anyone would consider, saying no is a right of every girl and guy. Depression and anxiety can be messed up more than words could explain but remember we still hold enough strength to not let it destroy us. Insomnia as well. Thank you so much for sharing your story and bringing out light to these.

You don't even know how much brave of a person you are. You just being here, right now, and writing this out to people, is the bravest thing ever. You're strong and even after all this you stand strong and I'm proud of you and I really hope you are proud of yourself too. You deserve to smile, you deserve to be you, and you deserve to have​ the right to say no. You're absolutely amazing and don't let anyone ever tell you any different than the truth that is this. Do what you love the most, wether it's writing, singing, dancing , reading or anything. You deserve happiness and you deserve love. Love yourself and that is by taking all this time and using it on you, and doing whatever you love the most.

Be kind to one another, be gentle and especially be kind to yourself. Every story is worth being told.