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Family Dynamics

" As a child I never understood why my mom always yelled at me or was so hateful because I always tried so hard to be the perfect child. This made me become very shy and not want to speak out anywhere because I was afraid of making anyone upset. When I was a little older, my mom took me to a therapist and they both explained to me that my mom had borderline personality disorder, along with other illness. This means that she has very polarizing ups and downs that happen randomly. Her mind doesn't comprehend the same way as others.

It took time to understand what her disorder meant and how it affected our lives. I felt guilty about all the times I was mad at her and was sadden by the fact that she had to live with this. Certain memories were clearer now as I remembered times were she had to go to 'the mansion' which was actually a hospital she had to stay at because she attempted suicide. Or the period where I had to stay at a foster home and then live with my grandma. All the times she was angry and then getting me gifts were because she was going through a period of crisis.

Learning about the truth didn't make everything better though, life still involved words of hatred that made me feel bad about myself. One of the most detrimental moments was when I was around twelve and she got so angry and said "If I kill myself it's your fault." That was when I learned that the most powerful 'victories' were followed by silence. I just wanted my mom to love me and have a relationship with me, but I had to learn to accept that it would never be my perfect world.

During this older time in my life, my dad dropped work and became unemployed for years. He suffers from an auto immune disease and it just gets worse and worse. He throws up for hours every morning and because of the medicine he took, it started to alter some hormones and cause him to be very mean. Where as my mom would take her anger out with words, my dad would be physical. He would always blame me for my mom being mad and throw things at me. It became really scary and hard to live in a house where I didn't feel safe.

Starting around thirteen, I went through periods of depression and have dealt with many issues related to self esteem. I always wanted to be skinnier and get the best grades. I tried to stop eating, but I had developed a anxiety habit of eating when I was stressed so it didn't work. I spent most of my days locked in my room reading, writing, and watching tv. I am forever grateful for my few friends that have stuck by my side and made sure I kept some contact with the world.

I think it's import to note that during my life I knew that the abuse wasn't right and did talk to people about it, such as my therapist. I also believe that there is a stigma around having a therapist and I think it's crap. No one should feel that they can't talk to someone. Even though I started going to get help with my family, I would talk about my everyday mini problems. Those are just as important as bigger issues.*

Also working through my mom problems didn't just happen after a week. Heck, I'm still dealing with it. The only difference is that I have learned how to cope with different situations and not go into an anxiety attack. I have learned how to stand up for myself without yelling or escalating the situation to a bad place. I have learned when I have to force myself to stay calm and let her go off.

I have worked through things with my dad also. That was difficult to talk about because I knew that a lot of his anger stemmed from his disease and didn't want to get him in too much trouble. Now he's on a different medication and we sort of just coexist.

Another major point is that I was stuck in this cycle of abuse, which led to also abusing myself. If no one was mad at me, I would push a little harder to get a punishment. This was because I was so lost without the grounding of being in trouble. This is common in people that have gone through abuse. They will go looking for others to treat them the same way or treat themselves negatively.*

A way to accept and overcome abuse is talking it out and giving yourself compassion. Soak in the sadness and sit in it for a moment. Say: it must have been really hard to blank and then change that emotion by surrounding it with love. Understand that abuse is not your fault and that no one deserves it. This can be hard to believe, but it will come.*

I have learned so many lessons of life and ways of communication. I have pushed myself to be independent and set goals. I still have more work to do and will be focusing in on learning how to love myself unconditionally. You are the love you seek. I am the love I want. Trying to change or help my parents will lead me to a dark place where I will just put so much pressure on myself that I don't deserve. They are on their own paths and I can only send love their way, knowing that only they can change themselves. It is difficult to accept that I cannot 'fix' everything, but I have changed my thinking. No more labels for them. I will watch from my own path and focus on myself.*

Today, I'm living with my grandma because I realized that the environment I was living in wasn't right. I am a junior in high school and got approved to graduate a year early so I knew I needed to live somewhere where I could focus on school. This dream of mine was originally mostly sought after because then I could leave my parents, but now it has changed into wanting this as I am ready for a new adventure. Running away from problems won't make the pain go away, so I'm so happy that I have gotten to a place in my heart where I have accepted the past and my parents.

Moral of the story is that I have had to live through difficult times and it wasn't easy. Somedays I hated life but I pushed through and here I am today. Is everything 100% better? Nope. There is still a lot of life left. I've simply gotten to a point where I can cope efficiently. Plus I have learned to live my own life and have a future waiting for me.

I am so thankful that I could share my story ( sorry it's so long ). This was difficult to write as I like to keep things like this private, but I decided that I should share this because I wish someone would have shared something with me years ago. This is to all those that might be going through hard times or also live with someone with a mental illness. It isn't easy and I don't think there is enough discussion about the people that are affected by it. I just want to put out some of my own methods that have helped me and say that anyone is welcome to message me if they need to talk! ❤ "️

~ Anonymous

17/1/19

A/N

Thank you so much for sharing this out with us. I truly appreciate this. I'm not going to lie, from the start I was reading and I felt as if I could see all those moments go by. But never can I exactly feel what you felt until I was the one going through it. By the end of this, I was smiling and that is because of how you took all those things you had to go through and learned from it. I have utmost respect and adoration towards you. This is not because of what you had to go through but how you took it and now stand here able to share your story with us.

"You are the love you seek. I am the love I want" Thank you for writing this, thank you for understanding this and thank you for saying this out and loud with the screams of these words. Self-love is one of the most important things and yet so less recognize it's importance. But you did, and thank you for that. You should be able to love yourself and be gentle to your own body and soul before treating others. The day you learn to love yourself would be the day, your heart would be at peace. You deserve to be loved and that should firstly come from within.

Acceptance is another thing that plays the most vital part in our lives. Also, one of the hardest thing to do at times. You accepted your parents conditions, you accepted the fact that you can't fix everything. But you don't realize, that just accepting that fact alone, helped it getting fixed. You came out of what you thought was unsuitable or not right of an environment. You stood up and took a chance to make a change for yourself, to improve it. You could've sat there and continued with a life already yours but you recognized the importance of standing up and making a change. Thank you for that.

Be kind to each other and gentle to them. Your actions and your words, soften them. Especially, be kind to yourself, be kind to your body and soul.