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hon-es-ty /ˈänəstē/ noun
i. sinking to your knees, unshed tears shining in your eyes as your mouth breaks into a soundless scream. feeling your lungs heave for the air that's already there because we want more, just to make sure that we are truly alive and not some apathetic monster with a halo of thorns, dripping with blood. gripping the bathroom sink above you until your knuckles turn white as your head rests on the cabinet under it. panic swelling and swelling and swelling until all you know is deep breath deep breath deep breath deep breath just b r e a t h e. shakily standing up, can't even look at yourself in the mirror, still have that little black hole in your chest and throat and stomach that scratches at the fleshy walls caging it, mind screaming at you for your mistakes. grabbing the cloud orange soap and turning in the water till it's steaming hot and washing washing washing because you just want to wash your crimes away. (there's blood on your eyes hands, girl. and it's not even yours.)
ii. getting on that white bus again, it's 7:20 in the morning and you're already clogging your mind up with dirty cloth because you'll be seeing her again and you can't help but to feel the rush of pain, regret, and guilt every single time. and you want it to stop so bad. (but a part of you thinks you deserve that pain because you, among so many others, were her undoing.)
iii. that, i suppose is the problem with being touched by death. your veins are stained with gasoline and a lighter between your fingers, and yet, you can't help but to flick it open. you can't help but to set yourself on fire. you can't help the ashes that dance in your fall. and you can't help how you hurt and hurt and hurt. that is the problem with being touched by death. you are no angel, no healer sent from above, your hands are rough, already bleeding from the glass clutched in your hands. you are no saviour, you have never been. so that, i think, is the problem with being touched by death.
iv. honesty is a cruel mistress.
a/n holy shit guys @pxrsxphxne poetry is phenomenal i mean gAh hoW??
