SOMEONE YOU LOVED | sean&kaycee

7

warning: pure and emotional and might be too much; but it's a girl's moment. u should feel it.
word count: 1000 words of pain, heartbreak, and wanting to hate someone you couldn't.
note: this was a sort-of filler chapter written about a week ago and i was considering of just never publishing it because i thought it wasn't necessary anymore. but it's kaycee's moment. so enjoy a lil update when i said i wasn't going to haha

——

she wished she didn't remember anything that happened in the party last night. she sort of wished she broke her no alcohol rule for a night so she could just wake up with no memories but just a horrible headache, not a horrible heartache she desperately chased away.

she was actually annoyed at how happy the birds sounded, chirping away outside in their ditzy cheerful tune. how dare the world still be happy.

with no choice but to wake up and relive all of last night's memories, she clutched her pillow in her tiny hands and muffled a frustrated scream into it.

"friiiiiiiiick—" she silently screamed, flailing around in her bed with fists pounding on the pillows. "---and fuck, fuuuuuck, i'm—"

fuck.

she let herself fall back hard to her sheets with a loud thud, her face contorted in a mixture of frustration, and, anger, and pain, and restricted tears she didn't think of crying out last night. she felt more horrible than horrible — there was a pounding on her chest that felt like a wrecking ball trying to get through. she felt suffocated even in the open air, with her lungs feeling like they were crumpled into papers and her throat constricting on her like a snake around its prey.

staring at the ceiling, she let out another silent scream — one where she willed to let everything out in silence, even if it meant hurting her throat even more. before she knew it, she choked down a sob.

she didn't know where she was going. but the claustrophobic thoughts in her head made her feet walk on its own to wherever it could find. she didn't care that people were staring at the wild haired girl who had red-rimmed eyes, and she didn't care if she was bumping into people on the way back to the front of the house.

she just wanted to get out of there.

the night air was crisp and cool — it let her breathe for awhile before the emotions came running back at her in full force. now she was choking on nothingness, refusing to let her tears fall as she sat back down on the grass.

she knew he didn't love her anymore; but seeing him prove it right before her in real life made it ten times more painful than it already was.

"let me take you home."

kaycee lifted her head from resting on her knees, and she realized that it was tre. he went after her.

"let me take you home," he repeated slowly. "it's going to be..okay."

"it won't be," she blurted out, almost too bitterly that she could taste it. "it doesn't have to be."

tre didn't know how to respond to that; he didn't know what it felt like. but he knew, like any other decent human, that she needed someone. "my car's right infront. let me take you home, kaycee, it's what you need."

it was a fast ride.

it was quiet. kaycee was a ticking time bomb, with lips between her teeth as she tried to keep herself in control. tre was clueless, but he didn't have the right to pry. it was a tale of two strangers in a car, aware of each other's struggles but unknowing with how to talk about it.

all she could think about is how real everything finally felt.

she knew sean didn't love her anymore like he used to. she knew he started to find something else in somebody's eyes. she already grasped that thought with prickly fingers, but reality never hit her until now.

and boy, was it a hard hit — one where you felt it physically, not just emotionally.

you'll never know the intensity of something until you finally witness it in actuality.

she was shaken out of her bubble when she felt the car halt to a stop. she recognized the familiar gate of her home.

"thanks, tre," she whispered, airy and light like she almost never said anything. "sorry if i disturbed your night."

"it's no big deal. i'm-- i'm sorry that it happened."

she blinked, taking a look at the dark shadow of her home. "me too."

it was embarrassing to think that tre de rego saw her in her most vulnerable state — that he saw her break like a piece of twig under a boot in the fall.

she was crying before she even realized she was crying. she tasted the salty drops on her chapped lips. she felt the wet streaks slipping down to her jaw. and she felt herself slowly letting her cries free, strangled croaks of emotion leaving her mouth.

she hasn't cried like this in months. she almost forgot how ugly it was until she felt the same invisible hand gripping at her insides, and she can't do anything but let it hurt.

in that moment, she wished she loved someone who would love her back the same way she did.

in that moment, she wished that she never loved her bestfriend — that she never loved him more than she ever did.

she cried harder — the one where it was hard to breathe, and speak, and even open your eyes fully. she opened this bursting bottle of herself she had sealed away for the past few months, and it was overflowing; overwhelming.

it was months back — almost a year ago — when the wounds were fresh and the 'i love you' no longer had an 'i love you too'. now, it felt like ripping apart every stitch that was keeping her together, and the gash was back to bleeding.

kaycee rice was a mess, and her life was a mess again. but in this moment, she didn't care that she was.

she didn't care that her hair was all over the place, wild like bushes on her head. she didn't care if her eyes were redder than her cheeks could ever be. she didn't care if her mom or her dad or her brother or her sister would hear her cries. she didn't care that she was messed up over a boy she promised she left in the past.

she was supposed to be okay; she was supposed to finally be okay, and happy, and smiling, and free.

she was doing so great, so so great that she thought she was going somewhere.

now, she was going backwards; backwards and backwards until she hit her buttons that replayed every single piece of hurt.

she wanted to hate sean lew so much.

but she knew she couldn't.

she hated that she couldn't ever hate sean lew the way that she wanted to.

she hated that she still cared; even if she knew she wasn't anywhere in his mind anymore.

she hated all of it.

she wanted it all to go away, to change, and to never come back.

she hated all of it.