hospital beds {remington leith short story}

one

Steady beeping. 

Inhale, exhale sounds.

The machines are breathing for me once more. I bring my hand to my neck, coughing and quickly becoming aware of the tube running down my throat. I struggle to open my eyes, and I'm unsure where my legs are. The beeping becomes louder, and I try everything to make my alertness known. I cough once more, causing the piping down my esophagus to shift, making it uncomfortable.

"Hey, hey." A voice says, though it's muffled. "Don't do that." The origin of the voice I cannot place. The doctors always say hearing is the last sense to go when you die....perhaps so, but it doesn't mean I can hear clearly either. 

I feel hands on my body, touching my shoulder and caressing my arm. Their touch is soft; I know I recognize it. I attempt to move my hand, and feel an IV protruding from my wrist. They've pierced my skin once again....and they must have me on some pretty high meds for me to be unable to open my eyes. All that surrounds me is white....white so bright it hurts. It's not even like I can escape it, for it lives behind my eyelids and there is no possible way to break free of what lurks in my own, doped up mind. 

"Baby," I hear, the same voice from moments earlier. Featherlight lips touch my forehead....hey, I can feel that. "It's Remington....I love you so much." Remington; I knew I recognized the touch! I miss Remington, I wish I could open my eyes and see him today. The white is starting to hurt in the back of my skull, I don't want to see it anymore. 

"I know you're trying," Remington says as I try to rake my mind, which doesn't feel like mine anymore, for what his voice clearly sounds like. "I see you, baby. It's okay. You don't have to fight it." It's sad, on days like today I can't remember his voice. Or anybody's for that matter. 

The beeping I heard is no longer steady....it is fast and quick. I feel pressure all over my body, and the inhale, exhale sounds from prior are more quick. What's happening? Am I fighting the machines thriving to keep me alive? Sometimes, I don't know anymore. When I'm like this it doesn't feel as though I'm existing....just as though I'm a passenger on a derailing train I cannot stop. 

That's weird....the white has black specks now. I wonder what that means....but it makes everything less bright so I'm not complaining much. I hear humming, but hey that's a weird tune. Oh God, I think I'm slipping further away. Am I? I don't want to....I want to stay. I liked the voice from before. 

I feel pressure again, but this time there's other touches, too. My thigh is touched....I think it's my thigh. It feels like the same touch as before....I wonder if it's that Remington guy again. Who is he again? I struggle to remember at times like this. I like the way his voice sounds, though. 

There's more black than white now. Weird. I still wish I could see more than colors. Shapes would be nice. Color's just boring...and with all these sounds muffled, I've got nothing to do! I've tried focusing on my breathing, but that just feels weird and then sirens start going off everywhere. I don't know what the sirens mean, but they're loud and they hurt. 

Can I feel my legs now? No, I don't think so. I don't know where anything except my hands are....and my head. Or at least that's what I think it is. The kiss felt like it was my head, I'm not sure about my hands. Maybe they're my feet. 

The humming sounds get even louder. They're beginning to hurt now, and everything's white again. The beeping and the inhale, exhale noises seem back to normal. I don't like being in the white....I want out. I want out. 

"Hey, calm down." Hey! That's that voice from earlier. What's his name again? "They've got you, baby. And I'm still here....I'm always still here." Baby? Is this my dad? That's weird....I thought dads were supposed to sound older. 

"Hand," The voice speaks, and I feel my body touched. "That's your hand, baby. I'm holding it. Can you squeeze?" I mean, I can try. I don't even know where everything is, still! What if my legs are gone? Am I just not going to have legs anymore? That'd be so sad. I'm sad. I want my legs!

"Don't cry; oh my God, don't cry." Crying? I didn't know I could do that! I feel my body be touched again, but I don't know if it's a different spot from before. I'm touched once more. 

"Hand. Squeeze for me?" Hey, that's a new voice. Is it? Whatever. I try to squeeze, but I'm not sure if I do anything. Oh, that makes me sad. I just wanna squeeze!

White starts turning black again....slowly but then woah! All at once. There's a tiny speck of white left....I'm glad it's not so bright anymore. The white's gone a moment later and hey, my hearing sounds clearer. Or, at least I think it does. 

I feel twitchy. Everything's black, a change in scenery, I suppose. My eyes want to open, I think they want to open. I try hard to open them, I wonder where I am. I can still here the beeping and the inhale, exhale noises. Maybe I'm at home! A coffee shop, a zoo? 

My eyes open, and no, I'm just in the hospital again. The man standing next to me jumps up, his hands flying towards my face and grabbing my face. He's saying words so quickly I don't understand, so instead I look down and good! My legs are still there, but they feel tingly. 

"You're coming down off the sedation meds, you're doing so good." The man holding my face says. I wish there wasn't a tube in my throat, I want to know who he is. "It's still me. It's still Remington. I still love you so much, Kayla." Kayla? Oh yeah, that's my name. 

A few moments later, my legs feel less tingly, but my torso feels heavy. What's happening? I don't like this. I reach to grab at the tube in my throat, I don't want it anymore, but I'm stopped quickly. "Just relax." A new voice says. I think that's a woman. "You're doing so good, Kayla." Hey, that's my name!

Everything feels light again after a few minutes, I feel relaxed. A hand touches my shoulder, and I allow my eyes to close. The sudden burst of calmness is weird, but I like it. When I close my eyes it's all black, which is good, I don't like the white. 

I start coughing then, sitting up quickly and thrashing when my scratchy throat gasps and hey, that's air. Am I breathing? I think I'm breathing. "There you go," That voice says. Remington. That's Remington's voice. "Open your eyes now; open 'em." I try to, I try to so hard. I can see again, that means my eyes are open....right?

I look around. Yeah. This is the hospital still. I turn to my left; Remington's there....I remember his face. I try to call out his name, but no sound comes, and I pout. "It's alright," He says. "You gave us all quite a scare today...you feeling okay?" I nod, because my legs are still here. "They say the cancer's in your brain now...." Remington stands, pushing my hair back and kissing my forehead. I smile, those are the same lips I felt in the white. "Do you still remember me? They don't think so." Yeah, I remember Remington! How could I forget Remington? My heart loves him. I use all my strength to lean up and kiss his neck, of course I remember Remington. 

"I knew you did." He says, and I can hear the smile in his voice. "Once you're off the sedation meds I know that you'll come back to me." His hands trail down my cheeks and my jawline. "You always come back to me, Kayla. Today they said your lungs were working too hard....but here you are, breathing just fine on  your own."  Remington kisses my temple; I felt that one too! "Sometimes....I think they put you under on purpose. They're mean, huh baby?" I try to laugh. I try so hard to laugh. Though, I must make some noise because Remington smiles and tells me he's proud. 

"You can sleep, honey bun." He hums. "I know you'll come back to me in the morning. Your mom and dad are coming in the morning, and now that's exciting! Get your rest, you know I'll always be here."

Remington's nice, I tell myself as he leans down to kiss me. I kiss back, and he pulls away with a smile. I haven't even been out of the white for long, but I'm so tired. Remington and the doctors say the "white" is called a coma....I decide I don't like those very much. 

One final thought remains in my mind as I fade asleep: how could I ever forget Remington?