hospital beds {remington leith short story}

five

I find myself trapped. I am stuck in a land so white it is daunting, in a world so loud I am struggling to escape it. My throat burns with the pain of fire, travelling from the base of my trachea to the roof of my mouth. Whirlwinds of sounds fill my ears, though it is too much for me to comprehend in an impaired state such as this. Is my body shaking, or am I imagining the feeling? Some days, I do not know. 

I feel myself be touched, though I struggle to distinguish which body part receives the feeling. Was the touch from lips or from hands? I cannot tell the difference. Soft hums touch my ears, I think they are meant to be words. They sound muffled, as if the person speaking is underwater. Their words I cannot comprehend; the doctors would say this is where I begin my descent into the end. 

Swish and swoosh from the machines that keep me alive. They are breathing for me, I know the sound all too well. I am unable to sustain my own life, I have been defeated. In this state there is no awake or asleep, I do not have the power to turn off my mind. It constantly goes, producing thoughts that will ultimately lead nowhere. I cannot use my thoughts, for I am not in control of my body to use my ideas. If I felt imprisoned before, the feeling has increased now. I am truly trapped within myself. 

I start fighting myself, my own mind, the machines breathing for me. I want to wake up, I do not wish to die today. If I can see one more day to hold my love and tell him how much I appreciate him, that will be enough. Do I wiggle my ears and my nose until somebody notices? I am awake in here, why am I stuck in such a trap? Who has confined me to this state, and how do I break free of it on my own. 

Again, I am touched, albeit I cannot tell where the feeling occurs. What day is it, and how long have I been like this? There is a disconnect in my mind, I am not so sure anymore. I wish to be out of here soon, I long to see Remington's face.

Is this the day I will die? Alone, fearful, and without the means to control my own passing? That's something I have always dreaded, and will for the rest of my days. As silly as it may sound, I wish to control when I die. I want to be conscious when I go, so I can have a say in my last words. I hope the last thing I see is my Remington's face, opposed to this world of white. To me, he is light, and I wish to leave this world with his eyes imprinted forever on my mind. He is the most beautiful creature the world possesses, and I want him to be my last memory. He is the heart of all my positive moments, and while dying may be seen as a negative to some, I view it as my final escape from this world. There is no cancer when you're dead, there is peace when you leave. The countless machines, drugs....everything I do to keep myself alive will be no more. I will be free of all my worldly hurt. 

I do not want to leave Remington, or the joy this world provides me. If the decision was mine to make, I would like to be here with him forever. I wish I could grow old with him; get married and have children as all other perfect couples will. But life is not a fairy tale, and our love has been plagued. We are doomed to not last as long as the rest; for when I die, as does our relationship. You cannot have one without the other. Remington deserves so much more happiness than he will get, and it is my fault. If I could live on with him, I would not hesitate. I would sacrifice everything for him, and I can only imagine how he will crack and break once I am gone. The weight of the world shall murder him, when I am not here for protection. I would take every beating, the worst the world has to offer, if it meant keeping him happy. 

I am in love in ways I did not know possible. I tend to repeat that phrase often, but it never loses its truth. How can one person make you so happy simply by their existence? I pray everybody knows a love like this in their life. Once you find the person, unlike anybody before, your heart will know. It may take some time to find your perfect match, but once they fall into your life, do not give them up. The love and elation they will fill your heart with are worth any turmoil or distress this world may put you through. Love will triumph all, there is nothing more precious and sacred in this world, or the next. 

Love will survive distance, disease, and everything life throws at your relationship. If you truly love somebody, you will not let anything prevent you from loving them. Adore them, and they will worship you back. Remington makes me feel like the most important person in this world. With him, my cancer has never been an issue. After my diagnosis, he quickly adapted to accommodate everything that came with it. It has never once put a strain on us and our relationship. He is golden, a gem to this Earth, and I hope everybody can find a Remington in their life. The feeling he gives me is more valuable than any possession I could own.  

I feel sad, now. I do not like this state. While I am trapped in the white, my mind is working. I am coherent, I am here, though I am not existing. 

I wish I could see Remington's eyes....for they always make me smile. With one look, he can wash away my sadness. I cannot wait to gaze into them once more, I will smile at them like all the times before. 

But, for now I will wait. And when my eyes decide to open, I will love him as much as I can. He deserves all this World's love.....I am so glad to love him. I am so lucky to keep him in my life.